Toddlers be like, \"excuse me madam that's my emotional support Walmart receipt\"

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My wife was trying to tell me a quick story and after the umpteenth time our kids interrupted her she said, Nevermind, maybe we can talk again when theyre grown up, and that about sums up being married with kids.

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My baby made me an imaginary pizza. I started eating it saying mmmm its so good.

She said, You didnt take it out the box pic.twitter.com/I9pKRJd0mP

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like a month ago i referred to one of the 2yos books as the one where elsa and anna meet a baby moose and she died laughing and was like no its a baby reindeer and now literally every day she goes remember you made a mistake and said baby moose like can i live

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My 9yo on Shark Tank:

Its a shirt, but look, its also a napkin!

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I told my 12yr old she wasn't allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she's making crepes.

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This morning my 3yo was mad and told me he wanted a different mama and I said what kind of mama do you want? And he said one who wears a black suit. I think about the ways Im failing as a parent a lot but I hadnt even considered that its bc I dont have a black suit.

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Showed my 7 year-old an Etch-a-sketch and said this is what Daddy played with growing up and this little angel asked me if it was a 'caveman iPad' and I am still in shambles

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When my parents and my kids FaceTime, my kids wont answer my parents questions so I repeat their questions to my kids. Then my parents cant understand what my kids say so I repeat their answers to my parents. A great time is had by all.

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My friend and I discussing what seafood we like:

Me: I don't like lobster or crab

My 3yo, trying to be part of the conversation but has never had shellfish in his life: I don't like...starfish.

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Turns out Im raising a real New Yorker.

My 3.5 year old daughter just looked up while eating a plain white slice of American cheese and said, Im glad we live in Brooklyn, daddy, no other city has cheese like this.

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On the ride home from school my 6 year old and I were chatting about his day when he said, well if you dont mind Im going to make a really cool paper airplane right now so if you could not talk that would be nice. Which is my new favorite way to end conversations.

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Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn't know that was an option.

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3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when theyre going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think Im beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

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What normal people ask a pregnant person: Are you excited? What are you having?

What I ask a pregnant person: Have you had the butt hole spasms yet?

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Mustve missed that part in the parenting book that said youd be digging through last nights trash for your sons retainer.

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Daughter got her first phone. Here is a list of the things shes called me about:
-saw a cool bug
-made up a new song
-can we have ribs for dinner
-how do you spell suspicious

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All dads: let's buy these $5 pumpkins at Walmart and save money and everyone's happy.

All wives: no I'd rather buy 2 pumpkins for $376 at the pumpkin patch and yell at the kids for 2 hours trying to take cute pictures and then everyone goes home mad and crying.

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8: Mommy

Me: yes

8: Make eye contact please so I know youre listening

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Friday the 13th has got nothing on parents whore dealing with 3rd grade math homework

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Have the kids put away the groceries so you can play hide and seek with your own food for a week.

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Im glad my parents didnt have a social media platform to tell everyone what a little shit I was

McDad (@mcdadstuff) October 9, 2023","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"McDad","author_url":"https://twitter.com/mcdadstuff","cache_age":86400,"description":"Im glad my parents didnt have a social media platform to tell everyone what a little shit I was McDad (@mcdadstuff) October 9, 2023\n\n","options":{"_maxwidth":{"label":"Adjust width","placeholder":"220-550, in px","value":""},"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"McDad on Twitter / 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