hands down the worst part of parenting is when you have to follow through on a boundary you set like ok i didnt want to actually leave the pool and now i have to be a woman of my word!!!

emily (@emilykmay) May 20, 2024","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"emily","author_url":"https://twitter.com/emilykmay","cache_age":86400,"description":"hands down the worst part of parenting is when you have to follow through on a boundary you set like ok i didnt want to actually leave the pool and now i have to be a woman of my word!!! emily (@emilykmay) May 20, 2024\n\n\n","options":{"_maxwidth":{"label":"Adjust width","placeholder":"220-550, in px","value":""},"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"emily on Twitter / 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My 8yo has somehow acquired a day planner. This isnt going to end well.

8yo: Mom, can we go to McDonalds on August 24th?

Me: ummmI dont know, maybe?

8yo: *clicks pen*

Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 22, 2024","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Lurkin' Mom","author_url":"https://twitter.com/LurkAtHomeMom","cache_age":86400,"description":"My 8yo has somehow acquired a day planner. This isnt going to end well.8yo: Mom, can we go to McDonalds on August 24th? 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got an email from 5yos teacher that the kids are playing a kiss game on the playground at school but its not lip kissing its the band KISS so if they talk about the kiss game thats what it is

lee gatlin (@neilaglet) May 19, 2024","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"lee gatlin","author_url":"https://twitter.com/neilaglet","cache_age":86400,"description":"got an email from 5yos teacher that the kids are playing a kiss game on the playground at school but its not lip kissing its the band KISS so if they talk about the kiss game thats what it is lee gatlin (@neilaglet) May 19, 2024\n\n\n","options":{"_maxwidth":{"label":"Adjust width","placeholder":"220-550, in px","value":""},"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"lee gatlin on Twitter / 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you think every time a baby wakes up from a nap theyre like, what the fuck has happened to everyone and everything i know?!?

amil (@amil) May 22, 2024","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"amil","author_url":"https://twitter.com/amil","cache_age":86400,"description":"you think every time a baby wakes up from a nap theyre like, what the fuck has happened to everyone and everything i know?!? amil (@amil) May 22, 2024\n\n\n","options":{"_maxwidth":{"label":"Adjust width","placeholder":"220-550, in px","value":""},"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"amil on Twitter / 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my kid was upset because I took away her iPad and she was like ugh! I bet when you were a kid, grandma let you have your iPad! and I was likebitch. grandma didnt even let me have my FEELINGS

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I made my 7yo son a pb&j. I asked how was it. He gone say dry but you tried. pic.twitter.com/YEj5k3lMFP

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Took my kid to Bring Your Child To Work Day a few weeks ago and now, any time I ask her how shes doing, she says Living the dream.

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Sometimes I still think about how after my first kid was born, in addition to the bill, we got a letter from the hospital suggesting we donate $500 as a thank you

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Research: Kids are having too much screen time.

School: Lets put everything online.

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I finally found something that my daughter and I would both like to eat for dinner. Its cake, but still.

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3yo: For Halloween I will be a monster truck race car. [1yo] will be a lion. Daddy, you can be a ghost robot. Or a witch!
Me: What can I be?
3yo (thoughtfully): I guess you can be a mommy.

He is available to speak at college commencements for a modest fee.

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my daughter asked if she can take her sleep mask to the movie theater, revealing she has the exact same intentions as me for our family outing

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I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, \"THIRTY SIX hours!\" To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao

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Begging for a toy, my 7yo rationalized, Technically we have infinity money if you just keep working forever, Mom

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wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous

me: hey, dangers my middle name

daughter: WHAT?!?

son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???

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4-year-olds are the most impatient creatures on the planet but also they will spend 10 minutes putting on a pair of shorts.

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My daughter graduates high school this week so that means at any moment my wife may start crying like everyone we know just died.

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I love Sunday nights because thats the night my kids tell me they dont have any homework & then ask if I have a tri-fold board, at 11pm, like Im a 24 hr Staples.

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