Second week of school and the kids already missed the bus b/c I over slept. Gotta keep expectations low.

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School mornings are a series of one word statements on a loop. Eat. Now!Clothes. Now! Shoes. Now! Hurry. Now! Go. Now! Now!! Now!!!

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If you like being late all the time due to arguments regarding brushing teeth, then kids are totally for you.

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Found out this morning that Carter has \"retired\" from Pokemon. That was a good use of money.

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Richest people according to my 5-year-old: 3) old lady who gives out pennies 2) Monopoly guy 1) McDonald's cashier who takes in the money

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Give a kid a fish & you feed him for a day. Give a kid some goldfish in the car & you'll be finding them in the backseat for a lifetime.

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\"I have two 5 year olds\" - my answer when anyone asks me \"how did you get that bruise?\"

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Toddler asks to sit on potty. Sits on potty at least 15 times; nothing. Stands up and pees on rug. Dammit.

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After having children everything you touch turns to yogurt.

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According to my kid, using the oven is the \"old fashion way to cook.\"

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Hey dads, don't forget to joke about corn mazes being maize mazes this fall. Our families love that one.

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Me: omg all of my kids are napping Door to door salesman: that's my cue

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\"Get used to it, you always have to brush your teeth!\" 5yo: \"No, when I'm older, I'm having false teeth so I can put them in the dishwasher\"

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I wasn't the last parent in the preschool pick-up line today. Award please.

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13 yo is writing an apology to his teacher. He just asked how to spell \"unprofessional.\" I better check that letter before he sends it.

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The morning after sleeping next to a squirmy 6yo feels like the day after a bar fight.

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Being a parent is the best and then it's the worst and then it's the best and then it's the worst and then it's the best and then it's the w

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I reached Parent Level: Expert today when I spent 10 straight hours at Disneyland with my three kids and didn't lose it once.

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Last night: 10: What are you doing mom? Me: Watching Housewives. You? 10: Teaching myself to code a video game. Me: It's not a competition.

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Take me down to Meltdown City Where the kid is 3 And the mood is sh*tty Oh, won't you please take me home? Just for a little while. Please?

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