Truly underestimated how much of parenting is saying \"get your finger out of there.\"

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It's 9:30 PM on November 16th and my 8yo just got out of bed to ask me what time I think Santa will come on Xmas. This is parenthood.

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Teenager: You know that new song-

Me: Have the Kidz Bop Kids covered it?

Teenager: I don't think so.

Me: Then no.

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Trying to reprimand my toddler for her excess use of the word \"doo-doo\" without laughing..

Clearly we're both four years old...

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My kids cant turn water into wine, but they can turn one outfit a day into nine baskets of dirty laundry.

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Toddler has resumed her potty strike; she even composed a new song entitled, \"Pee-pee in the Potty is Never Going to Happen.\"

Holy hell.

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Remember before kids when leaving the house required almost no effort, but now it's like a low budget parade but way less cheery? Fun times.

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I've worn the same thing to work every day this week: spit up on my shirt.

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Becoming a mom means adding...

- cook
- clean
- laundry
- shower

On your To-Do List for all eternity.

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7yo: *sitting in his chair, with legs crossed* Daddy, can you get me a bottled water?

(Apparently, I'm his personal assistant now.)

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(I'm supposed to be visiting my daughter's class today but opted to go get good coffee first bc 6 hours is a long kindergarten day, girl.)

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Before I had kids, I didn't know it was possible to ruin someone's day by saying, \"Brush your teeth, please.\"

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Kids share their love for parents in different ways. One of those ways, I hope, is yelling \"I don't love you\" as you drop them off at school

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I love that cute married thing we do where I tell the kids that dinner is ready, & my husband suddenly needs to use the bathroom for 30 min.

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You know a nap isn't going to happen once a kid starts roaring at the book.

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Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.

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Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it's written on before Thanksgiving.

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Me: Will my cleaning distract you from homework?
10: No
M: You sure? Because I don't have to clean right now
10: No it's ok
M
10
M: Please?

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5yo: if you put on one more Leonard Cohen song I'll yell so that you can't hear it
Me: but this is a good one
5yo: NONE OF THEM ARE GOOD!!!

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Wasn't enough that my 7yo spilled his red snow cone on the carpet. He decided to sit in it to kick it up a notch.

Well played, son.

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My kid always has to have the last 5,000 words.

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