Me: I don't know why my kids are so competitive!

Also me: Hey kids, Let's turn everything into a race so you'll do it faster.

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4-year-old: *makes a toy car do flips*

Me: Real cars don't do that.

4: They will for me.

I'll let my wife teach her to drive.

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Hey thanks for mailing me a hard copy of your family Christmas photo that you already posted on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

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My love for my kids is infinite.
My patience, energy, time, cash, and coffee supply are not.

Sincerely,
Every parent ever

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6yo: I don't like being by myself!

Me: I do.

6yo: When were you alone?

M: The last time was about six years ago.

*stares son down*

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My kids got off to school this morning without crying so it looks like I got my Christmas miracle a little early.

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Isn't dealing with kids in the morning impossible enough without adding a treasure hunt for an Elf doll?

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Parenthood for $800.
Alex: The answer is EVERY DAY.
Me: What is \"How often do my kids break things?\"
A: That is correct!
Crowd goes wild.

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1st child goals: all food is homemade, do several Mommy and Me classes, hover so she doesn't get hurt

2nd: get most of lint off fruit snack

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When I was a kid I would never have believed how much parenting in 2016 involves finding missing iPad chargers.

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Just once, I want to wake up with the same sense of renewed optimism my 5yo has as he requests candy for breakfast for the 25th day in a row

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I love that cute married thing we do where we can't wait until he gets home from work & I put kids to bed so we can talk about work & kids.

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I've reached the point in parenting where I look forward to going to the dentist as if it's a spa day.

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When you're trying to parent but your kids are too jacked up on Christmas cheer. pic.twitter.com/mgvNclqVDF

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My kids tried to teach me how to play Pokmon. As far as I can tell the rules are there are no rules and I'm always supposed to lose.

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Get one of those pre-lit trees where you can change the color of the lights, so your kids can have more festive arguments this Christmas.

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When my kid's being a total Cranky McCrankyface I've streamlined my response to a flat stare and saying \"Christmas. Presents.\"

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My toddler realized I keep my feminine products hidden & assumed they must be treasure.

She's been guarding a box of tampons all night.

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I had a dream last night that I found a bunch of my sons' missing left socks in case you wanted to know what living on the edge feels like.

Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) December 8, 2016","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Robert Knop","author_url":"https://twitter.com/FatherWithTwins","cache_age":86400,"description":"I had a dream last night that I found a bunch of my sons' missing left socks in case you wanted to know what living on the edge feels like.— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) December 8, 2016\n","provider_name":"Twitter","title":"Robert Knop on 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When I feel really daring, I play a scarier version of Russian Roulette where I try to put away my kids' laundry while they're sleeping.

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Kiddo's sick, so she's sleeping with mommy. That means baby girl's with me.
How can someone so small kick so hard? And take up a whole bed?

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4- *hysterical screaming* HELP I NEED HELP MOM!
*run frantically to kitchen*
Me- WHATS WRONG!
4- My banana opened funny.

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