Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

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Before you have kids someone should be required to tell you how many hours of your life will be spent applying sunscreen.

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Today is the longest day of the year or if you're a parent just like every day over summer until your kids go back to school.

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I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.

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5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I'm on the computer* What game are you playing?

Me: Pay the bills.

5: Are you winning?

Me: No.

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Currently in that phase of parenthood where I'm regularly jealous of my parents' weekend plans.

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Hi, I'm Mom. You might know me from such hits as, \"We'll see,\" \"DON'T TOUCH THE POOP,\" and \"Are you god damn kidding me\"

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I used to hate the sound of my alarm clock ringing at 6:30am, until I woke today to the sound of a 4y.o. blowing a recorder at 6:30am.

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Toddlers are the Johnny Appleseed of crumbs, spreading crumbs everywhere. But the only thing they're growing is the impatience of parents.

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What's less fun than moving? Moving with 2 kids and 12,000 tiny toys.

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One of my twins is 3\" taller than the other + they have diff hair/eye colors, so when someone asks if they're identical, I always say \"yes\"

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I take my coffee iced with a splash of cream and a heaping spoonful of crying and whining from my kids.

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WIFE: so realistically, what do you want for father's day?
ME: i dunno, maybe just some peace and quiet
WIFE: lol i know, but realistically

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Parenthood is full of surprises. Fix your child's favorite breakfast, yogurt with peaches, and SURPRISE! They now hate yogurt. And peaches.

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Bad news: my kids haven't been sleeping well lately.

Good news: At least they're trying to stay woke.

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Just texted my kids to turn down the TV in case you were curious how strong my dad game was.

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Still got it, I whisper to myself as a detangle a Hot Wheel from my hair.

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Last day of school:

Kids: Yay!

Parents: [checking when first day of school is]

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If your kid isn't begging for a snack, did they even eat dinner 5 minutes ago?

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I showed my kids a pic of me as a kid to show them I was young once & they responded by telling me \"I bet you failed a lot of math tests.\"

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Me: stop playing with your food

Son: if you didnt want me to play with my food then why did you get me dinosaur chicken nuggets?

M: touch

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After my kids fall asleep I peek into their room and think, \"How can those precious little people be such assholes?\"

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