My favorite morning routine is to get the kids on the bus, sip some hot coffee, & notice all the stuff they forgot to put in their backpacks

the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) October 16, 2017","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"the Mom TruthBomb","author_url":"https://twitter.com/momTruthBomb","cache_age":86400,"description":"My favorite morning routine is to get the kids on the bus, sip some hot coffee, & notice all the stuff they forgot to put in their backpacks— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) October 16, 2017\n","provider_name":"Twitter","title":"the Mom TruthBomb on 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Apparently my 4yo doesnt believe in underwear anymore. Which chapter covers this in my parenting handbook?

Karen Johnson (@21stcenturysahm) October 14, 2017","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Karen Johnson","author_url":"https://twitter.com/21stcenturysahm","cache_age":86400,"description":"Apparently my 4yo doesnt believe in underwear anymore. Which chapter covers this in my parenting handbook?— Karen Johnson (@21stcenturysahm) October 14, 2017\n","provider_name":"Twitter","title":"Karen Johnson on 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Daddy?

Yeah, Bud

Can you scour the house looking EVERYWHERE for something I'm poorly describing that you've never seen or heard of before?

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If theres one thing Ive learned from having kids its wait hold that thought somebodys throwing up.

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The stages of accepting something from a toddler--

Stage 1: No, thank you.
Stage 2: No, thanks.
Stage 3: No.
Stage 4: FINE, GIVE IT TO ME!

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Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.

What level of hell is this?

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What level of hell is this?— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) October 15, 2017\n","provider_name":"Twitter","title":"Sarcastic Mommy on 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Before you sign your kid up for sports, you should know that I sat outside in a cold rain to watch my son play soccer 3 times this weekend.

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My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesnt have anything less than a $20 bill.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.

Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) October 20, 2017","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Lady Lawya","author_url":"https://twitter.com/Parkerlawyer","cache_age":86400,"description":"My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesnt have anything less than a $20 bill.This is not the motherhood I envisioned.— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) October 20, 2017\n","provider_name":"Twitter","title":"Lady Lawya on 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My daughter wants to play guess this song with her recorder. I am going to need every drop of whiskey in this house.

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My kid's a genius because she knew what a piece of broccoli was even though we've never had any in our house.

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Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*

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Its 5:50am, & I just chased my 4y.o. to grab the tampon torpedos he was playing with, in case you wondered how fun pre-dawn parenting is.

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Grocery List
1.) Free cookie from bakery
2.) Broken jar pushed off shelf
3.) Snack to calm toddler
4.) Stop toddler from undressing
5.) Milk

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Have kids so you can fight with someone who'd rather freeze to death than pull a sweatshirt over their head.

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*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace

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Y'all don't even know the level of patience required for me to allow my 3y.o. to get the small cart at the grocery store.

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I'm dressing up as parenthood for Halloween. That shit's scary.

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Boss: Got a minute?
Me: I'm a father of 4, school has started and one of my kids is applying for college. I can pencil you in for 2027.

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Me- Sits on toilet

Children - QUICK EVERYONE!! Mom called a family meeting in the bathroom!! Bring in toys, blankets and your best stories

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1-year-old: Cheese

Me: *gives her a cheese slice*

1: Cheese!

Me: *gives cheese stick*

1: CHEESE!

Me: Oh. *pretends to take her picture*

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Took my daughter to get two blazers and dress shoes for speech team competitions. I think I'm a sports parent now and I intend to get rowdy.

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Mom, are you gonna finish this cake you bought for yourself and hid so nobody would find it?

Parenting.

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There needs to be a Robin Hood like person, who steals energy from kids and gives it to their parents.

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Other mom: My 1-year-old knows how to baby sign.

Me: Oh wow, cool. Mine shrieks louder than a pack of monkeys.

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From now on when my kids complain that a YouTube vid is taking to long to load I'm going to make them rewind whole videos in an actual VCR.

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Parent Tip: children get upset when they dont get their way, but remember: cookies will help. And if you want you can give the kid one too.

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