Me every November: \"I'm going to send family Christmas cards this year!\"

Me every December: \"Dammit, okay I'll send New Year's cards.\"

Me every January: \"Happy Groundhog day cards it is.\"

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Its not baby food if youre a hungry adult.

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i ask my toddler what's in the box she's holding. \"chaos!\" she replies. \"chaos! chaos!\" i know she's trying to say \"crayons,\" but it's not like she's wrong.

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When you find out theres another snow day pic.twitter.com/yI5GejuvlM

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I dont watch awards shows because Im a parent and all my leisure time is spent trying to get children to brush their teeth.

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I mean, what parent hasnt told their kid that they couldnt go to the toy store because it was sleeping?

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3-year-old: I like you.

Me: Well, thank you.

3: You're good at wiping my butt.

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In the pediatricians office. I told a mom her toddler is cute and she said, Thanks but I find he looks like the blonde guy from Dumb & Dumber. Fast friends.

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A bomb cyclone sounds like whatever my kid does in the bathroom when he's supposed to be brushing his teeth in the morning.

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One of the main parts of being a dad is liking things everyone else in your family hates.

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My 4yo just said, I dont like anybody in the world. Its just my thing, not liking anybody. So check out her account on here in 20 years.

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6: Mommy guess what? I didnt throw up in my bed this time!
Me: Oh, good!
6: I threw up on the couch.
Me:
6:
Me:
6:
Me: Werent you supposed to get easier?

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I'm sorry fitness experts, but there is no better strength test than trying to put a coat and pair of shoes on a toddler.

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Added my own inspirational quote to my daughter's message board pic.twitter.com/RGMKWXlSci

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10: Im bored!
Me: honestly, son. I buy my pants at Costco. What makes you think I have any idea whats fun?

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He's 14 months old, and I've officially paid off the baby's birth. No returning him now, I guess?

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I don't like the person I become when I'm doing a puzzle with my kids.

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Today we saw a guy at the park jogging shirtless and shoeless in shorty shorts, and my toddler yelled, \"Why is he nakey??\" And my 6 year old and I laughed for 100 years.

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Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

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Parenting has taught me a lot about unconditional love. Like, I didnt know how much I would be in love with baby wipes, for example.

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Thought about starting a swear jar, then realized I dont make enough money to fund it.

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