You know youre a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

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Naked and Afraid, but its just parents getting out of the shower after leaving their kids unsupervised for a few minutes.

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Welcome to Parenthood:

Finishing thoughts, meals and R.E.M. cycles are a thing of the past now.

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Kid #1: \"I'm scared of monsters.\"

*spend 45 min. hugging & comforting*

Kid #6:\"I'm scared of monsters.\"

Me: \"Eh, the cat'll get them. Gnight!

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When you trying to get the diaper rash under control pic.twitter.com/6ZnyCHa2y8

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I called my sons school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they dont do that and I need to stop calling.

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My daughter is so sweet, today she held the door open and let in her brother, both dogs and 26 flies.

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Now that 7 is semi-literate, he no longer believes my SHUH DA FA CUP mug reads My Favorite Word is Mommy

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Pictured: me cleaning the backseat of my car after taking my kids to the beach pic.twitter.com/q5zCVGJuZm

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My five year old calls getting kids meals at McDonald's \"doing happy hour\" so yeah I'm thinking this kid is definitely mine

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If you guys need anything, just get my 6yo to ask her grandma for it.

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Daytime parenting: strict screen time limits. 1hr only. Child must earn it.

5am parenting (hands 4yo iPad): take this so I can sleep.

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Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.

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The packaging says baby gate, but everybody knows its really a climbing wall for kids and a hurdle for adults.

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That part in Office Space where they destroy the printer, only its me going after my 2yos pack and play.

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Google history:
What do you wear to a pop concert
What do moms wear to a pop concert
Orthopedic inserts one day shipping

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Daughter, whining: \"There's nothing to drink.\"

Me: \"We have apple juice, orange juice, milk and water.\"

Her, still whining: \"There's nothing I want.\"

Me: \"What do you want?\"

Her: \"Chocolate milk.\"

Me: \"So, what you meant to say was, we're out of chocolate syrup.\"

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Becoming a parent is a great way to find out how little patience you have.

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8YR OLD: dad, guess what? a swing broke on the playground at school

ME: so would you say it's 'off the chain'?

8: ok I'm just going to stop telling you things

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Net worth: three Hatchimals, two Build a Bears and a tub full of Legos.

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Strike fear into the hearts of your children by telling them what youre making for dinner.

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Kid: Im hungry.

Me: Hi, hungry. Im mom.

Kid: Thats only funny when dad does it.

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Wife: Maybe being the cool dad means not trying so hard.

Me (Wearing a shirt that says Get Lit Fam) I totes agree, makes me salty when someone in the squad tries to front. Just keep it gucci bae.

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It absolutely rules that baby trousers can all be pulled up in such a way as to make your infant son look like a Star Trek character whose utopian society hides a terrible secret. pic.twitter.com/kCL4frvrF6

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