Gaslighting: It's Really A Thing

Sounds like gaslighting, I explained to a client this week after hearing a laundry list of her boyfriends behaviors.

Whats that mean? she asked, It doesnt sound like a thing.

But gaslighting in relationships is a thing. A very real, destructive, insidious thing. And recognizing it isnt so hard if, 1) you know what to look for, and/or, 2) youre ready to accept you have some big thinking to do.

Fact is, you know when your partner is beating you down, demeaning you, or making you feel crazy as a wolf howling at the moon. Even if you dont know it consciously, if you stopped and asked yourself, Do I feel loved in this relationship? Respected? Valued? Adored? The answers would be, unequivocally, No, no, no, and, um, no.

Gaslighting is a psychological term that refers to one partners efforts to undermine the others grasp on reality in order to gain control. This is done by systematically making the victim feel like whatever the circumstances, her (or his) version of events is skewed, misconstrued, or imagined.

Here are some examples of gaslighting:

Susie tells her fianc, Brad, she doesnt like the way he publicly and loudly criticized her cole slaw recipe at their neighborhood block party.

Brad says: I dont know what youre talking about. I was just saying it needed a little more salt. And, by the way, no one else heard me. Youre imagining things.

Susie thinks: Maybe I misheard what he said. To be honest, I am a little bit sensitive about my cooking. I should probably work on that.

Bobby tells his wife, Cathy, he was embarrassed when she told their friends he had been a bedwetter as a child.

Cathy says: I would never embarrass you. Are you accusing me of embarrassing you? Because thats in your head.

Bobby thinks: Cathys right. I mean, shes my wife! She would never intentionally embarrass me, right? Plus, theyre our good friends. Maybe I shouldnt be embarrassed.

Lucy tells her partner, Maddie, she was hurt when Maddie openly flirted with their waitress.

Maddie says: What are you talking about? Im only being friendly. Maybe youre the one whos flirting and youre trying to project your guilt onto me.

Lucy thinks: Why do I have to be so jealous and insecure? Maddie is just being nice to a stranger. I should be grateful I have such a loyal girlfriend.

Gaslighting demands the victim replace her reality with her partners rendition. When it goes on long enough and with enough constancy it achieves its goal. The victim internalizes her partners assertions and rejects her own. Her internal radar one which we are all equipped with to keep our emotional, physical and psychological selves safe from harm shuts down.

What happens when you cant trust your gut? What happens when your feelings are no longer reliable? What happens when you continually question your interpretations, memories, and value?

What do those things do to your psyche?

Gaslighting does what any systematic abuse does to any psyche. It makes you forfeit your own truth. Self-doubt takes over because you no longer rely on your reality. You lose touch with who you once were or thought you were because everything is hazy now. You desperately want the someone closest to you to validate your feelings, beliefs, and experiences. But the validation never comes.

Any of these sound familiar?

I was only joking with you. I dont know why you get so upset.

Youre the only one who thinks Im mean. People love me.

I dont know why you think Doug is your friend. Thats not what he tells other people.

You only got that promotion at work because your boss felt sorry for you. Everyone knows that.

Why dont you lighten up a little bit? Even the kids dont want to be around you.

I never said anything remotely like that. Maybe you need your hearing checked.

I know you think youre a good person, but youre not.

These are the kinds of comments youre hearing and worse if youre a victim of gaslighting. Because a gaslighting partner not only wants you to doubt yourself, he wants to destroy your truth, your core. So that the only reality youre left with is his/hers.

This is why gaslighting is really a thing. And its a thing that can and will determine how you experience yourself and your life for as long as you choose to stay in a relationship with someone whod rather control you than love you, whod rather distort your feelings than honor them, whod rather tear you down than lift you up.

Does any of that treatment fit into any dream of any relationship you ever thought youd be in? Guessing not. Good news is you dont have to buy into anymore of this upside-down reality. Get the help you need to find your way back to you. Because the world needs you. Because your feelings, opinions, experiences and reactions matter. Because your heart matters. Because you do.