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- Never say never! When your child/client makes unreasonable demands, such as Why cant I eat toilet paper? or Can you score me some crack? - you dont say no- you just find diplomatic words that sound like yes, but essentially mean no.
- Their mistakes are always your fault. If they show up for an important meeting 4 hours late & Xanaxed out of their brain or holler at a Little Person in snug yoga pants, What a big butt! - You humbly apologize and deliver a contrite speech about how you switched their Xanax and vitamins by accident or are just a bad parent.
- Invent opportunities for client/child to win. Imagine being three: you have no filter, no fear and want to experience the world by putting every piece of it in your mouth. Similarly, imagine being rich, famous, bipolar, over-celebrated and under-medicated. Hence, no harm in pretending they fixed the printer, brushed their teeth without you begging or answered all that fan mail all by themselves.
- Lead from behind. If they show up sober, with a hot date (your husband) and in actual nice clothes (also yours) to The White House Correspondents Dinner or bring cupcakes to a play-date, you remain employed (and invited back for more play-dates).
- Its not a job, its a collaboration! Always let them think your idea - whether its Tupperware and glow sticks in the bathtub or bathing at all - is their unbelievably amazing idea.
- Accentuate the Positive! When they whine about having to eat food instead of crayons or having to be flown first class to NYC to be interviewed by Katie Couric, just lie that theyre getting paid for it or will get five desserts and a baby otter if they eat one piece of broccoli instead of chalk.
- Soothe the savage beast. Whether they are mad at cement for being hard or mad at Oprah for not answering emails in a timely fashion, remind them that pillows are soft or polish their Emmy.
- Connect and redirect. Sometimes, like the crow, a client/child merely needs a shiny, magical diversion- like car keys, a cat video, or a fake fan letter from Annie Leibovitz (that you wrote) and then, when they are happy again, they will do their homework or pay you.
- Hanger Issues? When someone is being a crankypuss or threatening to fire you, try frozen yogurt. A spontaneous In N Outing can upgrade any disaster - unless youre with the client who binge eats- in which case, patiently listen to his monologue about how food equals love, then hand him some organic gummy worms.
- Fake Love Until You Make Love. As long as they think they are the joyful center of your universe, client/child is happy. Whether you comply with this assumption due to needing employment or having-to-parent-because-its-the-law, its your secret to take to the grave.
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