How To Manage Conflict And Repair Hurt Feelings With Your Partner

One of the biggest challenges couples face is how to repair hurt feelings when they get gridlocked into difficult interactions without getting defensive or attacking. If a pattern of attack-defensive continues over time, it can diminish love and respect between partners leading to the demise of the relationship.

Meghan and Pauls argument began with a low level attack. Meghan started with criticizing Pauls behavior (You never talk to me anymore. Its clear that you have issues with intimacy), which Paul defended against by pointing to other behavior he felt good about (What about Friday night when we talked on the way to the movie?). When she remained silent, he said You are so demanding and always putting me down. In this example, Meghan and Paul are entrenched in the all too common pattern of attack-defensive.

It this exchange it is clear that both Meghan and Paul feel they must defend their positions. It can happen in the most mundane of conversations. You and your mate are discussing chores, finances, or home repair, and suddenly your partner says you are not doing your share or living up to your part of the bargain.

Thats when you find yourself getting a knee-jerk reaction and the discussion escalates into a full-blown argument. Defensiveness is defined as an attempt to defend oneself from a perceived attack. In the above example, both Meghan and Paul feel justified and some righteous indignation. However, defensiveness is an easy mode to slip into if you dont know how to stop it in its tracks. A good first step is becoming more aware of attack-defensive patterns.

For instance, when Meghan used a You statement and labeled Pauls behavior as having issues with intimacy, she was in the attack mode. On the other hand, Paul was reacting defensively when he described Meghan as demanding and critical. Truth be told, people do not like being labeled or psychoanalyzed and You statements typically come across as blameful and trigger defensiveness.

Its tempting for couples to launch into expressing anger and to get into the attack mode when they feel hurt or frustrated. However, theyll accomplish more and restore good feelings if theyre able to tell their partner what they need in a positive way. For instance, if Meghan says to Paul I would appreciate it if youd listen while I tell you a problem I had at work today, this I statement would be more effective than saying, You never listen to me, a You statement that sparks his defensiveness.

During difficult conversations, its helpful to avoid bickering by trying to curb defensiveness and attacking behaviors. Many experts point out that bickering can lead to the demise of a relationship. Its like chronic warfare that erodes love and respect between partners. The steps below can help couples communicate in a collaborative way that will help them recover from arguments and become more intimate partners.

4 Ways to Curb Defensiveness and Attacking Behaviors:

1. Stay calm and assert your needs: While its natural to raise your voice and get agitated when you feel attacked, try lowering your voice and adopting a more loving tone. If you feel yourself taking things personally or getting defensive, press the pause button and suggest a 10 to 15-minute break before continuing a difficult conversation. You might say Im trying to hear you but I can feel myself getting defensive. Can we start this conversation again in 15 minutes?
2. Really listen and validate your partner. Instead of focusing on the points you want to get across, ask your partner whats on their mind and listen before responding. When you respond, validate their viewpoint and use a soft start-up such as Id love to hear your take on what just happened. Be sure to use maintain eye contact and a reassuring touch with your partner.
3. Stay focused on the issues at hand. When you focus on changing your partner, you miss the opportunity to work together to come up with a solution. You are no longer on the same team. Instead, focus on the issues at hand to meet both of your needs. Leave emotional baggage in the past so you dont touch on your partners raw spots . Use I statements and focus on expressing your feelings in a way that invites your partner to communicate non-defensively, rather than pushing them away or triggering his or her attack mode.
4. Avoid criticism and blame. If you focus more on your part of the problem, youll be less likely to point your finger at your partner or take things personally. Reflect on how your words and actions might make your partner feel and let him or her know that you own your part in a disagreement. For instance, Meghan could have used an I statement such as, When I hear you saying you were interested in our conversation on the way to the movies, it makes me feel concerned that you think thats a short ride in the car is enough time to talk. Apologize if you have done something to hurt your mate even if it was not intentional. Be brief and to the point without making excuses. For instance, Paul might simply say I am sorry for tuning you out so much. I love you and want to get closer. By taking responsibility for his part in the argument, even just a small piece, this will validate Meghans feelings, and help them repair and forgive.

Most of us dislike conflict. Yet dealing effectively with conflict and can actually make your relationship stronger. There are always going to be disagreements. You cannot avoid them entirely. What you can do, however, is to become skillful at recovering from them by talking about them afterwards. During a recovery conversation , you can learn to use I statements and become receptive to your partners influence and perspective. A general principle of recovering from conflict is to avoid focusing on being right, and to approach conflict with a collaborative versus an adversarial approach by avoiding trying to prove a point.

Dr. John Gottman discovered in over 40 years of research in his classic Love Lab studies that the number one solution to marital problems is to get good at repair skills. He explains that repair attempts allow a couple to get back on track after a fight and are an important way to avoid resentment.

In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. Gottman describes repair attempts as the secret weapon that emotionally intelligent couples employ that allows their marriage to flourish rather than flounder. A repair attempt is any statement or action verbal, physical, or otherwise intended to diffuse negativity and keep a conflict from escalating out of control.

According to relationship expert Dr. Patricia Love , its important to stop keeping score and to try not to win every argument, even when you are in the right. Instead, Love says, think of winning an unofficial contest I like to call Whos the Bigger Person? Resolving Conflicts is about who wants to grow the most and whats best for your relationship.

Follow Terry at movingpastdivorce.com . Her award-winning book Daughters of Divorce is available in audio and softcover. You can visit her on Facebook and Twitter.