Dirty talk doesnt have to be complicated. As sex columnist Dan Savage once summed it up , the best sex talk is simple and straightforward: Tell em what youre going to do, tell em what youre doing, tell em what you did.
Still, as simple as it can be, many of us freeze up in the moment, either saying something we heard on Pornhub that sounds unnatural, or something thats awkward, weird or deeply unsexy.
Were reminded of that scene in Seinfeld, where Jerry tells George what hed told a woman the night before: Shes talking about her panties, so, uh...so, I said, You mean the panties your mother laid out for you?
The panties your mother laid out for you? a flabbergasted George says. What does that mean?
Yeah, we dont know either, but for those of us who struggle with dirty talk, the scene is a little too relatable.
Given the myriad ways it could go wrong, why even bother with dirty talk in the first place? Its simple: When done right, and said by someone youre incredibly attracted to, nothings sexier than vocal sex. The brain is our biggest sexual organ , so it makes sense that were turned on by what our partners say in the heat of the moment. (And vice versa; voicing the desires and fantasies you usually keep to yourself to a rapt audience can be a huge turn-on.)
At the heart of it, good, game-changing dirty talk takes us out of our humdrum regular lives and into the performance of sex, said Jenny Block , a dating expert and author of O Wow: Discovering Your Ultimate Orgasm.
Our bodies may be feeling something, but if our minds are disengaged, the pleasure reward will always fall short, she said. Dirty talk helps us to get out of our heads and into our bodies. Just the sounds and tones can help us forget all about the laundry and remember just how good our partner feels.
Now that weve sold you on the gift of gab, lets talk through a few ways to elevate your dirty talk game.
First, keep it simple.
No need to channel a porn star right out of the gate. Say what feels natural to you in the moment, and definitely dont feel like you have to construct some elaborate sex narrative beforehand. This isnt some weird sex monologue; you dont have to talk the whole time. Even just a well placed I cant wait to feel you inside me as you walk through the door or when you kiss can do the trick.
I always tell people to think about your senses, said sexologist Megan Stubbs , and if profanity or vulgar language isnt something that you commonly use, dont feel pressured to use it. I mean, it might throw your partner off if youre suddenly asking master to fuck his little cum-dumpster.
Aim to be playful and start early. When your partner is off at work or running errands, drop some hints about how much you want to play later on.
I suggest slowly building the anticipation of a sexual encounter, Stubbs said. Sending a text like, I cant wait for tonight... is an easy lead-in to dirty talk. (On that note, you might want to read our primer on how to write a sext that doesnt suck.)
Ask yourself: How do I want to feel? How do I want my partner to feel?
Dirty talk is pretty intimidating when youre worried about how you might sound or if your partner is going to laugh. Dont intellectualize it so much. Tap into the sensory side of sex. When you start to focus on how you want yourself and your partner to feel, you realize you have more in your sex talk arsenal than you know, said Heather McPherson, a sex therapist and owner of Respark Therapy in Austin, Texas, and Denver.
You can also follow the simple Dan Savage formula, she said. Being playful and bringing a relaxed, confident attitude can also be helpful.
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