Indian vs. American: Dealing With a Cultural Identity Crisis

by Serena Vora

Growing up as a first-generation Indian-American in San Diego, I knew what it was like to be different. I went to a predominantly Caucasian elementary school where I was one of a few brown kids. In that kind of environment, one would assume it would be challenging to balance my cultural identity. Remember, this was in the early 90s when people still got us confused with Native Indians & most people assumed I spoke Spanish. Thankfully, I had parents who exposed me to both Indian and American cultures, ensuring I never felt confused or ashamed about who I am.

At age five I went to a Bollywood dance show featuring Anil Kapoor and Madhuri Dixit where I literally stood in excitement for three hours. While at age seven I went to my first Broadway show in New York City (Cats), where I was confident the Cats were trying to recruit me when they sang. I was exposed to more than just Indian food; mostly because my parents who grew up in Bombay couldnt handle eating Indian food every day either. I tried both Bharatnatyam and jazz dance but was given the choice of what I wanted to pursue and I chose Bharatnatyam. My music teacher was an American who spent time studying in India so I learned Western and Indian classical music. In my teenage years, I would blast my favorite pop music and Bally Sagoo.

As you can see, I never really felt like an ABCD (American Born Confused Desi). Of course, I also experienced racism throughout childhood and as an adult. But that still didnt change how I felt about my background and confidence in my identity. That is until I moved to India.

When I graduated from college I decided I wanted to work in Bombay for six months, a city I loved visiting every few years. The six months eventually turned into a decade where I worked in the media and entertainment industry. As an Indian-American working in India, I faced an identity crisis for the first time in my life. All of a sudden I was now known as the American girl. Wait, what? In my 21 years of living in the U.S., I had never been referred to as an American girl, I was always the Indian-American girl. And now, in India, Im an American girl? See how that can be a little confusing?

Now at first, I didnt pay much attention to this new label. But I slowly started to understand that this tag came with a negative connotation. There was a very common assumption that I mustve been exposed to and experimented with plenty of drugs while growing up in the U.Swhich I hadnt been. People thought I probably started dating boys when I was 13, which was also untrue. I was too busy keeping up with the latest music on TRL and trying not to lose my mind in Honors Classes. The strangest perception many people had was that I must not know anything about Indian culture. I had to keep breaking stereotypes and felt like I was turning into some kind of American ambassador. The exhausting part was when Id come home to visit and be told I must be so Indian now after living in India all these yearsconfusing, right?

This constant struggle between being tagged as too Indian or too American led me to question my true identity and got me wondering where I truly fit in. Because of my extensive experiences of living in India, I sometimes feel like an outsider in the U.S and Ive always been labeled an outsider in India. While this is a common problem amongst expats all over the world, the difference here is that I lived in the country of my ancestors. So now, what happens if I move to a third country? Will they refer to me as an Indian or American? Or will they actually accept the fact that one can be both?

This third-culture identity crisis is faced by so many 1st generation kids and its something I never thought Id experience. And definitely not in adulthood. But its time we stop categorizing ourselves as having to be one or the other. Terms like ABCD or Coconut [brown on the outside, white on the inside] have further fueled this trend of labels. Its time we stop judging people for being too Americanized or too Indian-ized and just let people balance their identity, however they feel comfortable. I will always think of myself as an Indian-American no matter what country I live in.

This post was originally published on Brown Girl Magazine . Click here to read more!