I've gained 50lbs since my last trip to Thailand, and I'm so grateful.

When we stepped off the airplane we were hit with a wave of humidity. Instantly my face felt ten years younger, thank you, Thailand. I havent visited this part of the world since I was in my teens, and a flood of memories came rushing back.

When I came the first time I was at one of the lowest points of my life. I waged war with a vicious eating disorder, and more importantly, I waged war with myself. You cannot isolate one area of your life to numb. If you numb your appetite, it numbs every part of your soul, and most especially it numbs your joy.

It was not just my frame that was skeletal.

Now I walk the streets with my kids, and I eat the roti with my hands, and my heart feels joy. I eat my own curry, and half the kids pad thai, and a mango smoothie, and my heart feels joy. I put my feet in the ocean and wiggle my toes, and my heart feels joy. I try my best at the language (though Im sure its laughable) and my heart feels joy. A local barista teases me about my second coffee of the day, and my heart feels joy.

I wander across the world and through Thailand today with a full heart. I think that maybe that is what this trip is about for me. Its about having an appetite for life and drinking in all the flavors the world has to offer. Its about letting go of control, and choosing life instead of fear.

Our hosts in Rawai organized a ride on a long tail boat to Banana Beach 20 minutes away for us. The ocean and boats scare me, but I said yes anyway (with some convincing from the husband). As we motored across the rolling waves I was surprised in the best way. It wasnt anxiety that gripped my heart, it was happiness, the giddiest kind of happiness.

Sometimes you have to let go to fully come alive.

That day we made it to one of my favorite beaches of the trip so far, and I savored every second.

When I was young I believed terrible messages like most of us do. Things like: deprivation and control will earn you acceptance and belonging and if you werent so weak youd be skinnier and happier.

We dont have to earn our joy, friends, and we dont have to earn our food either.

Today I celebrate food. I celebrate Thai culture through food, and I thank God that I can eat with freedom.

Today I am 50lbs heavier than I was then, and I am so grateful.

My friend, if joy, if eating, if food, seem outside of what you deserveLISTEN TO ME: you deserve the good things from life. You deserve to eat big bites of the best things. You are worthy, and you are enough, no matter where life finds you. Have something you enjoy today and think of me.

It is brave to enjoy, but you can do it.

For me eating represents LIFE, it represents laughter that comes from deep in my gut, it represents the absence of demons, it represents a full heart, and it represents four gorgeous kids that I never could have had without food.

Thank you Thailand, it has been so good to meet you again.

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Follow Wonderoak on her blog , on Facebook , and Instagram . She is currently on a trip around the world with her four kids, husband, and their best friends. Photos by @grahamsjohnston .