Youve probably heard about the orgasm gap: Research consistently shows that straight women statistically have fewer orgasms during sex than any other demographic. That depressing fact holds true in both casual hookups and long-term relationships.
Theres blame to go around: Yes, women need to get better at advocating for themselves in bed, but too many men are comfortable deprioritizing womens pleasure and overvaluing their own.
In fact, a study published in the Social Psychological and Personality Science journal just last year showed that men are generally perceived as being more entitled to orgasms and sexual pleasure than women.
Much can and should! be done to improve that on a personal level, beginning with a better understanding of what your partner needs to reliably get off. If youre a straight man, that starts with educating yourself on female pleasure.
A guy who recently wrote into an advice column tried to do exactly that, and as a result, got trashed online.
To summarize, late last week, writer Michael Harriot tweeted this (very good!) Mens Health advice column where a man asked columnist Zachary Zane for tips on how to last longer fingering his girlfriend when his wrist starts to hurt.
Pulling from sex educator Kenneth Play s book Beyond Satisfied: A Sex Hackers Guide to Endless Orgasms, Mind-Blowing Connection, and Lasting Confidence, Zane suggested Fingering Guy get into an an ergonomic position and use his whole arm rather than using just your fingers or your wrist to create the motion.
Harriot, a widely followed columnist at The Grio , tweeted the headline and joked, Lets just put the whole internet in some rice.
Half the replies below Harriotts tweet shamed the guy who wrote in: I guarantee this man is all-around terrible in bed, one woman wrote .
If hes having that much trouble on the written exam Im wondering how he does on the oral, another person asked .
How much did his wrist and hands hurt typing this article? one guy tweeted, misunderstanding that he had submitted a question to a sex advice columnist not written the whole article.
A lot of people seemed to have misunderstood that part, and granted, it is kind of funny to imagine a flummoxed man writing a whole article about his fingering quandary and putting his byline on it, when he could have just looked it up online or asked about it on a sex advice subreddit.
Others applauded the guy for actively trying to get better at pleasuring his girlfriend. (After all, for many of us, fingering is in our sexual wheelhouse relatively early on, but we go in fairly unsure of ourselves.) A sampling of the retweets:
- I dont understand why were making fun of this ? Havent we been encouraging people, especially men, to ask for sexual advice from reputable sources?
- I found the article headline to be super refreshing with a focus on female pleasure!
- Im genuinely annoyed at the response to this. Disabled people exist. Sometimes we need a bit of help physically. Doesnt mean we are bad at sex. (To clarify, Fingering Guy said nothing about a disability, but the commenter does make a good point: We dont know the full story and its ableist to make those kinds of assumptions about him.)
It was a lot of hubbub over a pretty standard-issue, sex-positive advice column: A guy who, to his credit, wanted to learn how to last longer with his digits and not throw in the towel wrote in and got quality advice from an expert source, but half of the commenters acted like he should know better.
Play, the expert whose book was quoted in the column, told HuffPost he isnt surprised by that.
I see this a lot, he said. Learning about sex still makes most men feel like theyre reading Sex for Dummies. We still believe sex is all about talent rather than skill.
Theres a stigma around sex education in general, and a stigma around adults looking to advance themselves beyond the abysmal sex ed they received in school. That stigma is especially strong for men, Play said.
Youre not supposed to have to educate yourself and yet, bros have no problem sharing advice about which protein powder to buy and which bench press technique they use, he said.
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