A few years ago I got pregnant, and in light of my budding writing career and my perpetual fear of getting stuck in a romantic situation that turns into duty I had to relieve myself of this situation.

Being Latina and growing up in a conservative AND religious immigrant household means that I am always suppose to look forward to being pregnant. Being Latina and growing up in a conservative AND religious immigrant household means that I find all the fulfillment I need in motherhood. Being Latina and growing up in a conservative AND religious immigrant household means that my only real option is motherhood. Being Latina and growing up in a conservative AND religious immigrant household means that the minute I decided anything but motherhood I have become a puta, malcriada, pecadora, callejera, and a slew of other derogatory names that say nothing of my character but vilify me for deciding when I am to be pregnant. Being Latina and growing up in a conservative AND religious immigrant household means that if I opened my legs long enough to get pregnant than I should swallow the responsibility of those actions. Being Latina and growing up in a conservative AND religious immigrant household means that if I decide to terminate a pregnancy, I am the lowest of women, I am a child killer, and I deserve nothing but a welcome matt to hell. Being Latina and growing up in a conservative AND religious immigrant household means that despite the fact that I have done a very liberative thing for my life and my future, I am viewed as irresponsible and selfish for doing those very things.

In the particular Latinx immigrant community that I grew up in, a woman who puts herself first is a whore and nothing more. A woman who isnt down on her knees for her husband and her children is not a respectable woman. A woman who boldly names her freedom to do with her body as she feels is necessary, deserves nothing but misery.

I got pregnant, and in light of my budding writing career and my perpetual fear of getting stuck in a romantic situation that turns into duty I had to relieve myself of this situation.

But I kept replaying all the church-guilt that was passed down to me, that told me that I was murdering my fetus. I kept seeing my sad mother, who feels deprived of her next role: grandmother. I kept thinking that if my career did not work out, what would I do next? As if children are suppose to be a recompensa for my failed attempt at independence. As if children should be a reward for my personal failures. As if children should ever be given that much to carry for anyone, before they are even born. As if children do not deserve to have a mami who is fulfilled and happy and pursued her dreams, dreams that were not associated to her uterus.

I was only 30 years old and I had only begun to really live. I finally saw myself without the inherited duties of my gender, which took me years to shake off. I was finally free to imagine a future for myself, by myself, and I found myself pregnant but unprepared emotionally to become that person just yet. I had only begun to love myself, and I had only begun to be the person that I had always wanted to be, and not that a baby would have deterred that but a baby is not what I wanted in my life, and that was okay.

I got pregnant, and in light of my budding writing career and my perpetual fear of getting stuck in a romantic situation that turns into duty I had to relieve myself of this situation. And despite all I have been told about my body and my trajectory, knowing that this was not the right time and deciding to take control over what happened was wonderful.

On the day of my abortion, I lit a vela to the La Santisima Muerte and I fasted for three days. You see, you can still be religious and abort your zygote. You can still be a good woman and decide that motherhood is not for you. You can still be a whore AND a santa. On the day of my abortion I looked at myself in the mirror and still loved my reflection, I still love who I am.

Years later, I still embrace that decision with pride, and know that there was no way that I could have become a mother then.