My son was 4 when his sister was born, and from the moment he met her he couldnt resist the urge to squeeze her little baby cheeks in his hands. He did this dozens of times every day sometimes with a little too much gusto. Then she would squeak and I would come running, hollering one word: Gentle! Gentle!

It wasnt the first word that popped into my mind. Or the second or the third. Those were no, stop and Get away from her! But I choose gentle, and I had to say it so often it soon became automatic.

I didnt always say gentle in a sweet, approachable tone or with much if any patience. But if Id learned one thing from my teacher training, it was that you should tell kids what you want them to do instead of what not to do. Theyre more likely to heed your words, and youre spared from having to run around all day shouting no, which is just a drain for everybody.

No one wants to hear no all the time. It can feel harsh and punitive and lead to disconnection in the relationship, Jazmine McCoy, known on Instagram as The Mom Psychologist , told HuffPost.

Parent coach Kristin Gallant and child therapist Deena Margolin, who run the Big Little Feelings Instagram account, noted that the language we use is important in light of the fact that kids brains are still developing.

The way we respond to our kids builds their brains and their coping skills. The way we talk to them becomes their inner voice, so our language and the way we interact with them matters. If we want to raise compassionate problem-solvers, that starts with us as parents/caregivers, the duo told HuffPost in an email.

Im not sure if my son remembers me telling him to be gentle approximately a thousand times a day back then, but he has grown into a teenager who doesnt go around pinching or hurting people. His sister also survived those early days without any scars.

Here are some ways that you can reduce the number of times a day youre saying no, and other tips for using positive language when it comes to kids behavior.

Clarify what behavior you want to see.

Though our automatic response when our kid is doing something wrong is to tell them to quit it and there are certainly urgent situations in which its appropriate to yell no! this can be confusing for kids, who might not understand what it is that you want them to do. In the case of my son pinching his sisters cheeks, I didnt want to prohibit him from touching her but I did need that touch to be softer.

Focusing on giving clear instructions helps improve their cooperation, McCoy said.

Instead of reacting immediately with a directive, take a moment to pause and really think through what it is that you need your child to do. When possible, its also nice to give them options. Doing so boosts the odds that theyll take you up on one of them.

McCoy suggests that we ask ourselves, What do I need them to do differently and how can I make sure my language is as clear as possible? For example, if your kid is running around making too much noise, you might conclude that you want them to slow down and walk, switch activities or go play somewhere else.

In this situation, McCoy suggests you could say, I need more quiet right now. Please either use your walking feet or play that game in your room or outside. Its your choice.

Of course, some situations dont lend themselves to offering options. If youre in a museum or a library, for example, youd probably just say, Please use your walking feet. A phrase like this might feel hokey when you first try it out, but youll get used to it and may find it a relief to be able to stop yelling, Dont run!

Of course, there will be setbacks. Kids dont always shift their behavior when you try this. Gallant and Margolin admitted that they sometimes think, This will never work, Im just going to skip this step, and then magically it does work the kid slows down or stops throwing sand.

Here are some other phrases from McCoy, Gallant and Margolin that may come in handy when youre trying to redirect common kid behaviors:

• Please tell your sister what you need in a calm voice, versus Stop yelling!
• Its difficult to understand you when youre yelling. I need you to use your indoor voice.
• Splash the water over here, versus Stop splashing!
• Please keep the water in the bathtub.
• Please chew with your mouth closed.
• Please be gentle with the toys.
• Please use your walking feet.
• Keep the Play-Doh on the table.
• Chairs are for sitting. Bring your body down and put your bottom on the chair.
• Sand is not for throwing, sand is for buckets. See? Sand goes in the bucket.
• Food is not for throwing, food is for eating or staying on our tray.
• You have two choices: Eat your food or get down from the table, versus Dont play with your food!
• You can either hold my hand or get in the shopping cart, versus Dont walk off by yourself!
• Our bodies arent for hurting. Please use gentle hands with your sister.
• We watch tablets after dinner. Please put the tablet back on the table or Ill help you.