Being in a relationship with a sober person when youre not sober yourself may seem intimidating at first. Perhaps youre unsure how to navigate certain situations (Can I have a glass of wine in front of them? Will we still do Friday happy hour with our friends?) and how to show up as a loving, considerate presence in their life.

Whether your partner was already sober when you started dating or got sober while you were together, weve gathered some advice that will help you support them. Of course theres no one-size-fits-all playbook, but these suggestions from sober folks and a therapist who specializes in addiction issues are a good place to start.

1. Ask them directly how you can best support them.

Maybe youve wondered what the rules are around your partners sobriety. Perhaps youre scared to drink around them, or you dont know if wine is a problem for someone who was addicted to heroin. Maybe youre wondering if its OK to offer up one of your CBD edibles when your partner is nervous about flying or having trouble sleeping. There is no across-the-board answer to these questions, so simply ask your partner whats OK for them. Laura Cathcart Robbins , author of Stash and host of the The Only One in the Room podcast

2. Be mindful of where they are in their sobriety journey.

When I have some time under my belt, Im OK being around alcohol and genuinely am not bothered. For example, I cant speak to all sober peoples experience, but for myself, I needed a little extra consideration in early days and after a relapse. I need time away from spaces where alcohol is the predominant reason for being there.

Once, I told a partner I needed to get some sobriety built up and wouldnt be able to be in bars for a bit. He was a musician and was the sound guy at a local venue, and his response was, I love you, care about you, and want you in my life, but I spend my life in bars. How realistic is that?

Needless to say, things did not end well I tried to accommodate him, which was foolish, and it resulted, naturally, in relapses plural. A reminder not to forfeit your boundaries for anyone; people who truly love you wouldnt expect you to. Brooke Knisley , writer

3. Be respectful of their boundaries.

I think its important to let your sober partner set parameters for themselves, and then to respect them. For instance, if the sober partner wants to leave a party early because they feel uncomfortable, respect that.

Or, similarly, understanding why a sober partner might not want to go to a specific event because it may be difficult and/or unpleasant for them. Some events, like a wedding where you dont know a ton of people, might be experienced totally different between a sober and not sober person. So its always important to keep that point of view in mind and to respect when a sober person feels like they want to go home.

For those situations, its also helpful for sober people to express what they need in terms of support. For instance, personally, I am very comfortable telling my partner when I want to leave. And when I do that, I have no expectation that he will also leave. Those are just norms we have established in our relationship, but a different couple might feel totally differently. Seamus Kirst , journalist and author of Shitfaced