luv playing my favorite game: is it the anxiety or the caffeine or the depression or the most recent news or just The Way Things Are Now

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QUICK BEAUTY TIP FOR LADIES: Decrease fine lines and under eye bags by not doing emotional labor for men today.

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2017: the year I learned some things about my capacity for anger and disgust pic.twitter.com/vuyxFs79pm

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Wish someone Happy International Mens Day! tomorrow & allow them to loudly correct you. Far better than any card.

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me: *violently flaps open new trash bag*
me: i am the backbone of this household

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My mom says she wants a dog but I think she just wants someone to fetch her slippers when I'm not around.

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me: i have to be up in about six hours i should go to sleep
also me: i should take every hogwarts house sorting quiz i can find

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\"well i'm a woman & he's never assaulted me\" is much like a serial killer proclaiming \"i have plenty of living friends!\"

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\"why wasn't i invited to that? i wouldn't have gone, but i should've been invited.\" --me all the time

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Stars, They're Just Like Us! [Image of male celebrity in sweatpants outside Starbucks frantically drafting a public apology about his NYT harassment expos]

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watching football too long like damn those tights might look good on me

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My tarot card reader and my therapist gave me the exact same advice..what does this mean? And yes, I realize the follow-up question is going to be You have a tarot card reader?

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Love when my parents criticize an aspect of my personality that is 100 percent their fault

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I guess if we want to avoid sexual harassment allegations we should stop letting men do things, just to be safe

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*walks up to microphone*

yes, good evening, and thank you for joining me here today. I wanted to call this press conference to let anyone concerned know that I like sandwiches from Subway and I don't give a fuck who knows it. no questions please. thank you.

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One positive thing that has come out of this year is how reading the news now qualifies as cardio.

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My mom checked the weather and when \"The Voice\" was on tonight... with a NEWSPAPER.

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maybe she's born with it

maybe it's the bottle of wine she drank at dinner that makes her numb to the world!!!

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my gravestone may well read insufficiently deferential but it will also read worth it, tbh

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my roommate made the mistake of asking me why Im putting my to-do list on Excel and 20 minutes later I was suddenly shouting AND CVS SAID THEY DIDNT HAVE MY PRESCRIPTION EVEN THOUGH THATS LITERALLY THE REASON I WENT TO THE DOCTOR!!!

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