i bought a beyonce christmas ornament with absolutely no thought of buying a christmas tree.

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Tbh watching clueless bros try to navigate Sephora is one of the most pure holiday traditions.

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this guy walked by me and asked why you smiling at your phone for? is he that important? and i said yeah he is but i was looking at this picture pic.twitter.com/fF0ngVyA1C

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man: hi

me: yeah right like im gonna fall for that again

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If I was on The Bachelor instead of roses I'd give out pizza slices and whoever blotted theirs with a napkin has to go home

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I think we should ban the word President until further notice

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[explaining New Years Eve to an alien]
It's when you don't want to be invited to anything, but you're upset if you aren't.

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Just gave my first ukelele lesson. Spent a hour convincing this girl why she should not be learning ukelele. feels good to help others.

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vegan and affordable makeup remover hack: cry!!

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The only good thing exercise has going for it is that Donald Trump does not do it.

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The outburst I had at JoAnns Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.

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me: \"life is short, always tell people you love them and how you feel about them\"
also me: *would rather die than talk about my feelings*

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Wait who the fuck is going big when going home is an option? I love home.

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I've given up sleep and replaced it with big curly hair and a strong red lip.

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I didnt sexually harass anyone today. Im going to celebrate by drinking some mulled cider.

You can all PayPal me cookies.

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God grant me the confidence of people who play music on their phones in public and dont wear headphones

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You become an adult when you open a carton of eggs to check it before buying.

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MILLION DOLLAR IDEA DO NOT STEAL: two-player spin the bottle

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Im gonna get a cup of tea and enjoy my Saturday morning.

[realizes its Tuesday]

oh

well have a great Tuesday everyone

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ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol

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