The Power Of The Introvert

It’s okay to embrace being quiet.

The other day a Facebook friend posted a little game as his status asking friends to comment on what their own warning label would be should they have had one. It was a no brainer for me. I often make jokes about being a loner and scaring people away with my social anxiety, so I commented with my favorite label for myself “Warning: does not play well with others.” It got many “likes.” However for me it is actually a true fact I mask with humor.

As a kid who grew up without friends through most of primary school due to having a quiet nature, whose parents dressed her in hand-me-downs that were sure to make you stand out, I’ve been a loner and an introvert as long as I can remember. I was also never taught how to ask for anything, so I never uttered the words “can I please play jump rope too?”

As an adult, my primary school memories are ones I try to shut away, as on my darkest, most lonely days, they have brought me to tears. It was during this loneliest part of my life as a child that I started to take control and be dependent only on myself. I would plan out my lunch breaks and fill them with stuff I liked to do. I remember bringing a basketball to school to play alone and books so I could hide away and read. When I did have some friends, it was short lived, as I ended up being bullied and made fun of constantly.

As an adult, being alone is still something that scares me so much. I must say I have become better equipped at dealing with being alone – maybe social media helps, as people are not too far away if I need to reach out. But even watching life on social media can bring on the biggest bout of anxiety. Writing helps, as I can connect with strangers through my words without having to call them and chat or walk up to them at a party and talk about myself or my projects.

The loneliness I have experienced as an introverted child of course moved into my adulthood. Calling up friend after friend on a hot summer’s day to see if they wanted to escape the suburbs, hit the beach, only to be told that they are heading there with their friends already, would tear my heart out. So, again, I started to make my plans solo. This was how I coped. Everything from reading at the park or beach and going to the movies solo I accomplished (which was scary at first but doable, as you don’t talk during a movie anyhow). I even took myself to parties, where I would make a quick appearance and attended ticketed events when I was single. Lunch time dates with myself and hikes were also achieved. I was getting too good at this introverted, self-dependable living.

As an adult, my quietness was always frowned upon by others, especially by strangers. I was misunderstood, judged and called the “snobby friend” by men who would hit on my out-there friends too many times to count. They would always say, “What’s wrong with your friend?” as if I should be giggling and throwing myself at them too and talking about how cool the music is or whatever. But all that disinterest in drunken men hitting on you at clubs aside, I was quiet mostly because I didn’t enjoy small talk and partly because I did not know how to respond to meaningless chit chat.

I always thought I was too weird, so I decided to embrace it and stopped heading out so often. The more people would ask me, “What’s wrong, are you okay?” or “You look mad, are you upset?” the more I wanted to stay home, write and listen to music. I quickly learned where I did fit, and it was not with my so-called friends. Slowly, as an adult in my mid-30s I am starting to realize that I am okay, there is nothing wrong with me. Yes, I spend a lot of time alone (sometimes not by choice), I have one close friend who knows me better than anyone ever will, who is actually now my husband. I have a lot of acquaintances and most of the time I am awkward in social situations and feel anxious before I head out, but I push myself. It is still a learning curve.

Currently I am reading a book called “Quiet Power” by Susan Cain. Although it is aimed at young student introverts, there are many situations talked about in the book where the subjects tell their story, which I can relate to. As I read the words and take in these individual situations and their coping methods, I see myself dealing with similar and sometimes same situations.

Famous introverts mentioned in this book include Albert Einstein, who always preferred independent learning. This lead him to start the Olympia Academy in his twenties so he could discuss his theories of physics with a small group friends after a long period of solitude. We all know who he grew up to be. Reading about Einstein’s way of coping has normalize my sense of self as the process for me as an introverted filmmaker is similar. I spend months writing my script alone, before I share it with my like minded husband then we build a small trusted crew though his guidance and start filming. Introvert power!

This morning I came across an article which was shared on my Facebook wall about how introverts deal with everyday situations, which had extracts from a Finnish comic book called Finnish Nightmares . Some of those comic situations drawn show characters who find themselves in awkward social situations like I have many times and they may appear funny for some but it is a reality for introverts.

Since I was that loner child in my hand-me-downs I have wondered what it would be like to be popular or at least have a bunch of friends to turn to. While reflecting about my dear friends magnetic energy at her crowded funeral I wondered if I would get half the amount of people at my own because I do not have the outgoing personality and openness that made her unforgettable, which is why I loved her. I am guilty of watching groups of friends and being envious of their friendships, even if they are probably based on shallow ideals and small talk, which is an image the media pushes as normal all the time. I have often wondered why I have so much difficulty starting and maintaining friendships. Why am I not like my out going sister or mother who meet someone at an event and the next day are out to lunch with them building a friendship? What is wrong with me?

Sometimes I hate being introverted, I hate watching people on social media live and wonder why I was never invited or why I will never be that person surrounded with loving and supportive girlfriends. Then I shift my thoughts back and I realise that being an introvert means I have that quiet power. Just as my book states, there are many leaders who as introverts have changed the world. The power comes from knowing yourself, how YOU work best as a quiet person and how to shift whats happening around you to maximise your power and shout your ideas to the world quietly. I am learning to be ok with that.