Do The People In Your Life Tend To Disappoint You? You Need This Viral Hack.

Over the last few months, the let them theory has been all over the internet. It all started over the summer, when Mel Robbins , a popular motivational speaker, went on Instagram and shared an idea she said shed just heard about and frigging loved.

In the video , which now has over 33.5 million views and 1.4 million likes,  Robbins outlines what let them means by way of examples.

If your friends are not inviting you out to brunch this weekend, let them, Robbins says matter of factly. If the person that youre really attracted to is not interested in a commitment, let them. If your kids dont want to get up and go to that thing with you this weekend, let them. 

As Robbins sees it, too much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations. Just letting them is a better response, especially in our romantic lives and friendship.

The truth is, if somebody ... is not showing up how you need them to show up, do not try to force them to change, she says in the clip. Let them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you. Just let them. Then, you get to choose what you do next.

It seems like a simple enough idea: When you let your concerns about how others feel about you fall to the wayside, youll experience a lot more control and calm in your life.

Its a little bit que sera, sera,  a little bit meet them where theyre at.   Still, as many in Robbins comments noted, it may not be all that easy to enact in your life. As one commenter wrote, I have a feeling if I would let them all, I would simply be all alone because many people depend on [my] effort and showing up for everything.

Therapists we spoke to think the motto really could be game changing for many, though they had some caveats. 

As a psychotherapist, I think this approach could be useful to people who tend to internalize other peoples behavior, struggle to allow others to have autonomy, or engage in anxious attachment patterns , said Sadaf Siddiqi , who practices in New York City.

Others may not find it as constructive, including people-pleasers , since theyre prone to let people supercede their needs and wants. 

People pleasers generally allow others to do as they wish without any consideration of how their behaviors may impact others, Siddiqi told HuffPost. This let them approach may prevent them from speaking up and being heard. 

Jennifer Chappell Marsh , a marriage and family therapist in San Diego, California, generally likes the let them theory. It reminds her of a personality psychology concept she emphasizes with her clients: the locus of control. 

A theory developed by American psychologist Julian B. Rotter in 1954, the locus of control is the degree to which people believe that they, as opposed to outside forces, have control over the outcome of events in their lives.

As a concept, it plays nicely with the viral let them theory: When you let your friends go to brunch without you, and then consciously choose to do something fun by yourself or with another group of friends (that action on your part is essential), youre seizing back some of your control and refusing to let external forces ruin your day. 

Its about understanding where our influence ends and accepting that some things are beyond our control, Chappell Marsh said. We cant control others, so instead, we should focus on our own actions and responses.

How does let them look in practice?

Let them can easily be applied to romantic relationships, Chappell Marsh said.

Embracing the let them philosophy in relationships means loving your partner as they are, while focusing on how you respond and interact rather than trying to mold or control them, she said. 

Context really matters, too, though, Siddiqi added. Yes, its important to let your partner have autonomy to make their own decisions, pursue their goals and decide what they want to do with their time but its sometimes just as important to express how their behavior impacts you.

This is especially true if its something that violates your boundaries, she said. You can let them be who they are, but in intimate relationships, connection is formed through vulnerability and open communication.

Heres how the theory can apply to friendships: If youre disappointed by a flaky friend, you might want to just let them bail on another group dinner, especially if theyre showing up as a friend in other ways.  

In platonic relationships, the approach to let your friends exist as they are can help increase tolerance and acceptance of people who may have different opinions, perspectives and interests as you, Siddiqi said.

In parenting, its crucial to step back sometimes, especially with adult children.

Let them isnt about giving up; its about accepting your childs choices and offering wisdom over wielding control, Chappell Marsh said.

That said, while let them can be effective with adult children, its not always suitable for younger children. They need more direct guidance and structure, which this approach doesnt always provide, Chappell Marsh said.

When should you not just let them?

Of course, let them is not a one-size-fits-all solution for your interpersonal problems.

The idea should not be applied in harmful situations where your safety or someone elses safety is at risk a mental health crisis or a substance abuse issue that needs to be addressed, Chappell Marsh said.

Its also vital not to confuse acceptance with indifference. In therapy, we stress the importance of pairing this approach with empathy and active involvement in relationships, Chappell Marsh said.

She also cautions against using let them as an excuse to avoid confrontations: Sometimes, difficult conversations are necessary for resolving issues, and avoiding them can lead to more problems in relationships.

But as an overall approach, Chappell Marsh thinks the theory could help people feel more agency in their lives. 

I like that let them promotes a stance of nonjudgmental acceptance, especially in situations we cannot fully control which, when you think about it, is most situations, she said.