Who's Dominating Your Encounters?

Whatever we focus on expands for us, because we feed it with our attention. So whether were thinking and talking about what we want, or what we dont want, it will get bigger. Its as if were watering seeds and giving them life.

One of my friends talks frequently about what she believes is wrong with people. Its become her tendency because she keeps practicing it, even though she feels bad while she does it.

Shes a faith-based person, who aspires to be kind, forgiving and accepting. But her practice of finding fault has caused a momentum thats pulling her along what she sees is what she gets, and what she gets is what she sees. And its difficult to jump to a better perspective in the middle of momentum thats going in a different direction.

Some people are able to change direction intentionally, even redirecting the momentum of their thoughts. Theyre the ones who choose to look beyond whatever people are doing, without judging it. They focus on who people are rather than what they do. And by holding fast to that positive norm, theyre more likely to attract people to themselves who are doing the same, which makes it easier to stay in charge of the nature of their interactions.

So the question to ask ourselves is: Am I engaging with people on my terms based on the norm Ive set for myself, or are others calling the shots based on their moods?

Whenever a conversation with someone isnt going the way we want and we continue the conversation anyway, that energy will dominate our relationship with that person. And the next time we meet up, the same energy will probably be present, because we let our expectations about people build unconsciously out of our previous experiences.

So the best response to a challenging conversation may be to just walk away, without trying to fix whats going on, and definitely without trying to fix the other person. When were in the middle of an encounter and were feeling bad, its not the people or the conditions that we need to change because the answer is inside us.

We have a lot of programmed responses going on.

We can think and talk ourselves into feeling good or feeling bad. And on certain subjects such as a job we feel stuck in, or a child who wont listen, or a shortage of money in our bank account we may already be leaning toward not feeling good, because weve been practicing fear-based thoughts and conversations about these subjects.

We took on some of those tendencies, to fear and feel bad, as children. We constantly interpreted our parents words and actions, and we developed beliefs. And many of those beliefs dont serve us now, but theyre still showing up in our interactions as programmed responses.

My friend, who keeps seeing whats wrong with people, experienced a rough childhood. To get through, she developed coping skills, such as getting angry and blaming people. And as an adult, shes still doing it, even though it doesnt fit anymore. She gets angry, feels bad, becomes frustrated that she cant handle situations better and then beats herself up.

Until we get our childhood issues resolved, well keep casting people in the roles of our parents, siblings and authority figures, and well relate to them as we did as children. And well use our past as a storehouse of evidence for holding onto negative attitudes and old behavior patterns.

But if we want to feel good, well find a new way to look at old issues.

We can train ourselves to feel good.

People will do what they want to do. And if we base our feelings on that, well probably suffer. We dont need people to behave a certain way in order to feel all right about ourselves and our lives. Were the deciders of what we think, and we can think what makes us feel better.

Its not about being nave or not caring. And its not about closing our eyes to the state of the world. Its about consciously choosing what experience to have personally.

We can train ourselves to think differently about any subject from our body image, to our prosperity, to our politicians. We can do it by thinking and talking about what wed like to see, instead of what we believe we see. Thats how we shift our perspective.

If weve been talking negatively to ourselves about these subjects, we can switch to telling ourselves something thats gentler, less confronting, less frightening, less condemning. And that will give us some relief, which will cause us to feel better.

When we choose to feel OK, no matter whats happening around us, the less well fear life. And the better the world will treat us, as our expectation of it changes.

If my goal is to be an up-lifter, and youre a person who complains and finds fault and bashes other people, Ill eventually stop running into you. Youll just fall out of my life. And that wont be a bad thing.

Where are we coming from?

Are we coming from a positive norm that weve chosen on purpose? Are we looking for the best in people, and pausing to appreciate that, knowing that people can only be for us what we choose to see in them?

When we purposefully practice feeling good about life, well notice that were running into a lot of people who are looking at life the same way! And people who arent will stop showing up in our day because the perspective and attitude we choose on purpose will be dominating our encounters.

See more of Grace de Ronds posts on her blog at gracederond.com .