Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
My kids just spent an entire road trip hitting each other with half empty water bottles, but congratulations on the birth of your second child.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) April 3, 2019
It always feels 20 degrees colder while watching kids’ soccer practice. It’s science.— The Dad (@thedad) April 2, 2019
Parenting through the years:— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 1, 2019
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
6-year-old: Can I help you make pizza?— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 1, 2019
Me: I'm actually making zucchini noodles.
6: Nobody can help that.
[Stranded on a deserted island with my kids]— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) April 3, 2019
Day 1: We’ve got enough snacks to last us at least 2 years.
Day 2: We’ve run out of snacks.
I accidentally threw away my 4-year-old’s favorite candy wrapper. Please keep us both in your thoughts during this difficult time.— Andrew Knott (@aknott21) April 1, 2019
Your child’s friend either avoids talking to you or wants to tell you their whole life story. There’s no in between.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 2, 2019
My 1-year-old's really excited to show everyone that she knows animal names. Her favorite word to say is frog, but the G sounds like a K, the R is silent and her O sounds like a U.— La Guardia Cross (@LaGuardiaCross) March 30, 2019
Congrats on your baby's first words. Unfortunately, their 3,000th or so words will likely be calling out the color of every fruit snack they eat.— Walking Outside In Slippers (@WalkingOutside) April 4, 2019
Fun fact: Between the ages of 4 to 14, the average child will waste $7,865 in restaurant food by filling up on bread when mom specifically said not to— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) April 4, 2019
Me: I want my kids to know that they can ask me anything at any time— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 3, 2019
Also me: IF YOU ASK ME FOR ONE MORE SNACK I WILL LITERALLY LOCK YOU IN THE GARAGE
One minute I’m the cool dad on vacation letting my kids get refills at breakfast, the next minute I’m trying not to flip a table when I see $28 worth of orange juice on the bill.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 4, 2019
"Can we have a seat where the baby has full view of the ceiling fan"— Not another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) April 4, 2019
And other strange requests I make now
Each year, the average toddler spends over four thousand hours sleeping and roughly the same amount of time picking out pajamas.— Nathan Gregory (@MrGirlDad) April 2, 2019
There is no higher stakes game than a middle of the night Rock-Paper-Scissors for who has to change the poop diaper.— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) April 3, 2019
Sometimes, late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear the sounds of parents removing batteries from annoying toys.— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) April 3, 2019
It's a "flipping the kids off behind their backs" sort of day.— Heather is a hot mess (@h0tmessmama) April 4, 2019
When a parent tears up, they could be thinking about good times, they could be thinking about hard times, but most likely, it's the smell.— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) April 3, 2019
Have a toddler and tell her you’re out of her favorite yogurt and that no, she can’t have a popsicle instead, and you too can experience what it’s like to disappoint someone before 8am.— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) April 3, 2019