Can A Messy Mom Help Organize A Messy Kid?

When my daughter was small, we cuddled in bed together to read one of her favourite books, The Big Tidy-Up. It was about a girl who refused to clean up her room.

My kid loved to get swept away by the story. She rejoiced in how the character let her room devolve into shocking chaos, while I was comforted that the girl eventually came to her senses and cleaned it up.

But I’m still waiting for a fairytale ending to our cluttered bedroom saga.

My now 15-year-old daughter is messy. I mean, like, really, really messy.

From the Archive: When your kid is too attached to stuff.

No Room Is Safe

When she was a toddler, she could demolish any room in seconds. Toys, crayons and dressup clothes would be tossed around our home. She destroyed it all over again as quickly as I tidied it. I tried to hype the joys of putting things back where they belonged, but my turbulent toddler was oblivious. I assumed she was just too little to know any better.

"Did I do something wrong in raising her that made her incapable of keeping order?"

And yet I couldn’t help but see how some of my friends' kids loved to organize things. For them, tidy time was a good time. I assumed that at some point, my daughter would mature and embrace the joys of putting things in their place.

But at 15, it hasn’t happened yet.

The state of her bedroom has become a real source of friction in our home. I’ve begged, screamed, coached, threatened, negotiated — heck, I’ve even cleaned her room myself! But no matter what I do, her room remains an explosion of disorder and confusion.

I started getting worried that maybe she didn’t possess the ability to contain her space. While she was successful in every other aspect of her life, did I do something wrong in raising her that made her incapable of keeping order? What future is in store for someone who can’t put their clothes away?

My Journey To Tidy

But then I came face to face with the truth of my own unkempt past. One day doing a little organizing, I stumbled across a picture. There was the fading image of my tiny residence room that I shared with a roommate from my university days. The picture was shocking because it looked eerily familiar. It looked just like my daughter’s room.

"I used to live in a room as bad or maybe worse than my daughter’s space."

The hard truth is I’m messy. I used to live in a room as bad or maybe worse than my daughter’s space. And at the time, it didn’t bother me a lick, but it might explain why my roommate didn’t like me. But somehow, I graduated. And so far, save for my my wood dresser that could use some decluttering, I’ve functioned reasonably well in life.

And while I no longer enjoy living in a mess, the truth is I have to work very hard to maintain order. Tidiness isn’t my natural state, and things can get out of control quickly if I don’t stay on top of it. With age comes maturity, and I’ve learned that being untidy causes alot of pain and suffering. Living in chaos means you can’t find things, it makes other people angry who share your space and overall, I don’t think it's a great mental space in which to exist.

While my daughter was at camp this summer, I took things into my own hands and attacked her room. I had warned her that this would happen if she didn’t progress significantly. We went back and forth between it’s her room, so why should I care? And it’s my house, and I do care. My husband and I spent hours filling six garbage bags trying to tame her room. When she returned, the chaos soon followed.

Laura Mullin's family has a cherry cake that's been in the family for generations — and she's sharing the recipe.

Making Peace With Mess

Have I surrendered? Perhaps, but I’ll take comfort in the fact that some research has concluded that good things come from messy settings. According to a study by Science Daily, “disorderly environments seem to inspire some to break free of tradition and can spark fresh insights. Orderly environments, in contrast, encourage convention and playing it safe.”

"Have I surrendered? Perhaps."

So fellow slobs, and those raising them, take solace. We are not alone. Many brilliant and accomplished people, including Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, and Steve Jobs, identified as messy. Were their moms worried about their rooms? Probably, but those geniuses turned out just fine.

Can I teach my messy kid to be tidier? I’m starting to think that I can’t. Or, at best, we will arrive at a truce where a bedroom that is moderately livable is begrudgingly acceptable. Ultimately, she will learn it like I did when a roommate gets mad at her, when she can’t find an important homework assignment or when a mouse colony takes up shelter in that garbage can that is never emptied.

Until then, I’ll just close her door. And focus on picking up my own clothes off the floor.