My fifth grade boyfriend got married yesterday and yes my sixth grade boyfriend was there. I just HOPE they didnt make the night about ME

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you can use chicken strips as money that is why they are called tender

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If you're over 35 whatever you're about to buy, you already have it. Two in some cases. Go look.

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at the beginning of pandemic: I am going to get abs and learn to do the splits

currently in pandemic: I should start smoking cigarettes

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as someone born between christmas and new years I cant pretend I take no pleasure in seeing the summer birthdays brought to their knees

Sarah Lazarus (@sarahclazarus) July 28, 2020","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Sarah Lazarus","author_url":"https://twitter.com/sarahclazarus","cache_age":86400,"description":"as someone born between christmas and new years I cant pretend I take no pleasure in seeing the summer birthdays brought to their knees Sarah Lazarus (@sarahclazarus) July 28, 2020\n\n","options":{"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"Sarah Lazarus on 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If I was Maria and I was hearing them sing \"How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria\" at my wedding I would be like, why are you singing that mean song about me & why do all of you know it

broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) July 26, 2020","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"broti gupta","author_url":"https://twitter.com/BrotiGupta","cache_age":86400,"description":"If I was Maria and I was hearing them sing \"How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria\" at my wedding I would be like, why are you singing that mean song about me & why do all of you know it broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) July 26, 2020\n\n","options":{"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"broti gupta on 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I didnt know how to say pigeon in Japanese so I just said bird of garbage and I think I got the point across

zo leonardo doujinshi quinn (@UnburntWitch) July 27, 2020","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"zo leonardo doujinshi quinn","author_url":"https://twitter.com/UnburntWitch","cache_age":86400,"description":"I didnt know how to say pigeon in Japanese so I just said bird of garbage and I think I got the point across zo leonardo doujinshi quinn (@UnburntWitch) July 27, 2020\n\n","options":{"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"zo leonardo doujinshi quinn on 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The funniest thing ive ever seen in my life was whn this kid at a party pulled up his trust fund balance to impress me and my friends and my friend went whoa let me see that and then threw his phone across the room

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I miss being at a bar with friends and wishing I was at home.

Ego Nwodim (@eggy_boom) July 26, 2020","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Ego Nwodim","author_url":"https://twitter.com/eggy_boom","cache_age":86400,"description":"I miss being at a bar with friends and wishing I was at home. 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I feel like a lot of people are realizing things in quarantine and personally I have realized that baseball doesnt have halftime

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two different women have tried to cut the line at the postal place by saying they were just dropping off packages like the rest of us were there for the love of the line

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if adults called you an \"old soul\" when you were a kid you're on at least one anti-depressant now

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How old were you when you learned your parents were lying and that its actually not illegal to turn on a light in the car when youre driving?

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I was hoping to get knocked up by someone with a good job this year. Instead, Ive rewatched five seasons of Designing Women.

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business idea: books w/ the pages numbered backwards so it counts down how many pages you have left (exciting!)

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Im not really hungry so Im just gonna have an apple and enough pasta to fuel a track team

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putting a beer in the freezer when you have ADD is dicey

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After 4 months of social distancing I feel like Jack in The Shining could have kept it together a little better. He had THREE people to talk to and a HUGE HOUSE with LOTS OF GHOST FRIENDS.

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I hugged a man in Reno just to watch him die

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I should put a bra in my earthquake kit.

Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) July 30, 2020","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Akilah Hughes","author_url":"https://twitter.com/AkilahObviously","cache_age":86400,"description":"I should put a bra in my earthquake kit. 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