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A couple of years ago, I found myself living on my own for the first time in my life. I had separated from my partner of 17 years, and was now returning to an empty home night after night.

I realized something about living alone: I didnt know how. I had never done it before. Like most people, I grew up in a family environment. After leaving home, I lived in student residences, or with roommates, or with romantic partners, until I got married.

Then, at the age of 43, I was home alone, permanently. Coming home by myself, eating fast-food meals alone, waking up to an empty bed it all felt like I was on a permanent business trip.

Thats not to say Im a particularly social animal; in fact, quite the opposite, Im an introvert. But introverts arent all loners ; they often depend on a small group of people family and friends to provide them with the social support everyone needs. And when that support structure goes away, things can get bad, emotionally.

Knowing this, I jumped on Tinder and Bumble and began a concerted and relentless campaign to find a new partner quick, before I go insane! I dated, I flirted, I spent countless hours on social media, while living in my endless business trip. Fast-food containers and hampers of laundry piled up and up. In effect, I had suspended my life pending the arrival of my new second half.

But, after about a year of this, as one romantic interest after another went nowhere, a new realization dawned on me: I didnt actually want this. At least not now, not after a 17-year relationship, and with barely any time to process its conclusion. I had begun to discover myself, as the cheesy saying goes, and no second half was necessary. For the first time since Gwen Stefani was topping the charts, I found out what I was like, as a person, without a partner.

Watch: Spending time alone is scientifically good for you. Story continues below.

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I was six months into my new, voluntary solitude when the COVID-19 pandemic broke out. Suddenly, whatever there was of my social life disappeared. As the lockdowns approached in March, I found myself staring down the prospect of total physical and social isolation. This new, independent me was about to become an isolated me.

I wasnt prepared. After a lifetime of emotional dependency, the idea of spending months alone felt like being sent to the hole in a supermax prison. I tried to prepare myself emotionally, and failed. I went through a dark time.

I turned to professional help. A 10-minute phone call with a doctor yielded a referral to a psychologist. Talking to a counsellor on the phone didnt work for me; I couldnt make a connection to this person I had never met in real life. I came to a conclusion: There may not be help available for me in this pandemic.

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