Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.
Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Me: [eating corn on the cob]
Wife [across the table]: This relationship would have gone differently if you had corn on the cob on our first date.
Me: [eating corn on the cob]
Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 11, 2024
Wife [across the table]: This relationship would have gone differently if you had corn on the cob on our first date.
Don't let people fool you with that \"boys are harder up front and easier later on\" bull crap. They never get easier. My husband is still difficult.
Hollie Harris (@allholls) September 10, 2024"}">Don't let people fool you with that "boys are harder up front and easier later on" bull crap. They never get easier. My husband is still difficult.
Hollie Harris (@allholls) September 10, 2024
I believe marriage is a sacred bond between a person who wants to get to the airport the day before the flight and a person who wants to be there just in time to jump in the plane as its taking off
Mike Royce (@MikeRoyce) September 12, 2024"}">I believe marriage is a sacred bond between a person who wants to get to the airport the day before the flight and a person who wants to be there just in time to jump in the plane as its taking off
Mike Royce (@MikeRoyce) September 12, 2024
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl's marriage. you don't see me making it a whole thing
broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) September 11, 2024"}">i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl's marriage. you don't see me making it a whole thing
broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) September 11, 2024
[my wife after introducing me to anybody] he's a rescue
F NF (@sofarrsogud) September 12, 2024"}">[my wife after introducing me to anybody] he's a rescue
F NF (@sofarrsogud) September 12, 2024
Sometimes my husband adds events to our shared calendar and it feels like a threat. \"Companionship Inventory\" is the one that scares me the most.
Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) September 10, 2024"}">Sometimes my husband adds events to our shared calendar and it feels like a threat. "Companionship Inventory" is the one that scares me the most.
Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) September 10, 2024
My wife: \"Do you have a plan for clearing out the garage?\"
Me: \"I have concepts of a plan\"
My wife: "Do you have a plan for clearing out the garage?"
Jorge Caballero, MD (@DataDrivenMD) September 11, 2024
Me: "I have concepts of a plan"
Me and husband were having a really nice walk through town. The sun was shining, both in good moods. We walked past a beautiful old building with 1865 on it. And he said Everyones dead who lived there.
Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) September 11, 2024"}">Me and husband were having a really nice walk through town. The sun was shining, both in good moods. We walked past a beautiful old building with 1865 on it. And he said Everyones dead who lived there.
Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) September 11, 2024
why don't wedding vows include important stuff like how throw pillows will play a significant role in your life for the next 45 years
Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) September 10, 2024"}">why don't wedding vows include important stuff like how throw pillows will play a significant role in your life for the next 45 years
Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) September 10, 2024
In honor of the debate, I will be muting my husband tonight.
your other mom (@difficultpatty) September 10, 2024"}">In honor of the debate, I will be muting my husband tonight.
your other mom (@difficultpatty) September 10, 2024
My husband had a civil case today and his client brought with her someone he assumed was her partner. He asked her, Oh, is this your wife or girlfriend or?
Reader, it was her sister.
My husband had a civil case today and his client brought with her someone he assumed was her partner. He asked her, Oh, is this your wife or girlfriend or?
Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) September 13, 2024
Reader, it was her sister.
Sorry were late, I was telling my husband why we dont leave early to go to someone elses house.
krista pacion (@kristabellerina) September 12, 2024"}">Sorry were late, I was telling my husband why we dont leave early to go to someone elses house.
krista pacion (@kristabellerina) September 12, 2024
Husband: Why aren't you and the kids outside? It's beautiful outside!
Me: It's pretty beautiful inside, too.
Husband: Why aren't you and the kids outside? It's beautiful outside!
Hollie Harris (@allholls) September 12, 2024
Me: It's pretty beautiful inside, too.
Wife and I are at the age where we have a bunch of shows that we cant watch until the kids go to bed but by the time they go to bed were too tired to watch them.
Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 10, 2024"}">Wife and I are at the age where we have a bunch of shows that we cant watch until the kids go to bed but by the time they go to bed were too tired to watch them.
Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 10, 2024
I just learned that my husband and I don't share the same religion* and I don't know if we can get through this.
*he has never seen and refuses to watch Friday Night Lights.
I just learned that my husband and I don't share the same religion* and I don't know if we can get through this.
Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) September 10, 2024
*he has never seen and refuses to watch Friday Night Lights.
Get married so you can say things like What do you want to do? Whatever you want to do. over and over until you die
Bird Eckler (@Birdeckler) September 11, 2024"}">Get married so you can say things like What do you want to do? Whatever you want to do. over and over until you die
Bird Eckler (@Birdeckler) September 11, 2024
My husband always orders two desserts to taste and gives me the one I like best. I think he read the fine print on this marriage.
sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) September 16, 2024"}">My husband always orders two desserts to taste and gives me the one I like best. I think he read the fine print on this marriage.
sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) September 16, 2024
Just found out my husband doesnt like crunchy taco shells. I am shook. SHOOK.
krista pacion (@kristabellerina) September 12, 2024"}">Just found out my husband doesnt like crunchy taco shells. I am shook. SHOOK.
krista pacion (@kristabellerina) September 12, 2024
My son has so many stuffed toys on his bed, he only has about a third clear to sleep on.
Basically, he's prepared for marriage already
My son has so many stuffed toys on his bed, he only has about a third clear to sleep on.
Big, Bad Caffeinated Dad (@Cafeinated_Dad) September 15, 2024
Basically, he's prepared for marriage already
My wife [Just married]: Babe, can you please take out the trash?
My Wife [Married for 10 years]: HEY ! Mr. I-SMELL-LIKE-WET-SHOWER-TOWELS-ALL DAY, when are you taking out the trash?!
My wife [Just married]: Babe, can you please take out the trash?
My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) September 14, 2024
My Wife [Married for 10 years]: HEY ! Mr. I-SMELL-LIKE-WET-SHOWER-TOWELS-ALL DAY, when are you taking out the trash?!
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