Kids go back to school tomorrow, so of course I'm packing thoughtful, well-balanced lunches for the first and last time this year.

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Lets get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who wont stop screaming at us.

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Walk of shame then: Walking home the next morning in the outfit you went out in the night before.

Walk of shame now: Walking your kid into the school because you were too late for drop-off.

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Took my son to the zoo yesterday for the first time ever and I realized I hadnt explained what a hippo was and he just kept asking to go back and see the tooth pig

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Me Before Kids: My children will never have screen time

Me After Kids: Is there a way to strap this iPad directly to his face?

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6-year-old: *gets dressed, brushes her teeth, and puts her shoes on by herself*

Me: Wow. We're actually going to make it out the door on time today.

6: *takes her shoes off*

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Oh man I just realized I cant make your mom jokes to my kid. pic.twitter.com/2G3ZeOTHrC

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Sometimes I think Im going to miss some of these days of parenthood & then I go wake my son up for school & he acts like a wild animal & I think, nah, Im good.

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[Explaining my fantasy football draft]
Is this boring you?
Daughter: yes
Me: This is how I feel when you tell me about a video on Youtube.

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Parenting is just dedicating your life to convincing little humans to do things they HATE doing.

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Found: clothes that shouldve been in the laundry, a takeout menu, 14 books, her diary, two jackets, a business card, and a walkie talkie.

Im pitching Tiny Hoarders to TLC next week.

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Found: clothes that shouldve been in the laundry, a takeout menu, 14 books, her diary, two jackets, a business card, and a walkie talkie.

Im pitching Tiny Hoarders to TLC next week.

Morgan (@MAB1013) August 30, 2018

I played hide-n-seek with my daughters, but they never came to look for me. I gave up when my legs fell asleep from kneeling in a corner.

\"I FOUND YOU DADDY!\"

No you didn't, I quit.

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I told 2 to finish her sandwich if she wanted candy after dinner. When it was gone I gave her a sliced apple.

I asked if she was all done, thinking she forgot.

She replied \"candy.\"

When the candy was finished I picked her up to find the sandwich, untouched, under her butt.

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Forgot to post a picture to social media of my kids on their first day of school. Do they have to repeat the year now, or what happens?

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I like to let my kid eat at his own pace, but this morning he spent 10 minutes just holding a muffin like he was the Statute of Liberty.

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Teachers, when my kids go back to school with t-shirts that read Mom Says Im Your Problem Now, just know I wasnt a horrible person until I became a parent.

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Its really hard to explain to a 5 year old why there arent any actual strawberries as advertised on the cereal box without feeling like youre in on the conspiracy.

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7: (silently sneaks up behind me and taps me on the shoulder)
Me: Yes?
7: (whispers into my ear) Do not trust Siri. She doesnt have eyes. (Walks away)

Who needs scary movies when you can just have kids?

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