What they dont tell expectant parents who arrive at the hospital full of hope only to be sent home because labor isnt far enough along is that its officially the last time they will be early for anything.
From diaper blowouts to missing shoes to forgotten homework assignments, leaving the house with kids is a new adventure each and every time.
Here, some of X (formerly Twitter)s funniest parents describe in hilarious detail what it feels like to be running late ... again.
My kids couldnt give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
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kids couldnt give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) February 21, 2023
When your kids leave a mystery puddle on the floor you will always find it when youre rushing to leave the house. Its science.
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your kids leave a mystery puddle on the floor you will always find it when youre rushing to leave the house. Its science.
Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) July 14, 2022
Advertisement
There are 2 types of parents: those that make their kids use the bathroom before they leave the house & those that do not.
They never fucking marry each other.
There are 2 types of parents: those that make their kids use the bathroom before they leave the house & those that do not.
Doc McMuffins (@Cynical_Parent) August 16, 2021
They never fucking marry each other.
Kids at dinner: I'm not that hungry.
Kids, next day at breakfast when you're running late: where the buffet at?
Kids at dinner: I'm not that hungry.
A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) January 19, 2021
Kids, next day at breakfast when you're running late: where the buffet at?
Advertisement
Ready to walk out the door for a playdate and my 3yo hollers: HOLD ON, I JUST GOTTA POOP BEFORE WE LEAVE.
No DNA test needed. Shes my husbands.
Ready to walk out the door for a playdate and my 3yo hollers: HOLD ON, I JUST GOTTA POOP BEFORE WE LEAVE.
Shit I tell my toddler (@Toddler_talkin) October 7, 2023
No DNA test needed. Shes my husbands.
At what age do kids leave the house without forgetting something because I can confirm its not 13.
Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) May 23, 2021","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Sweet Momissa","author_url":"https://twitter.com/sweetmomissa","cache_age":86400,"description":"At what age do kids leave the house without forgetting something because I can confirm its not 13. 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what age do kids leave the house without forgetting something because I can confirm its not 13.
Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) May 23, 2021
Advertisement
Parenthood offers the unique experience of realizing you are already running late for something that doesn't start for 4 hours.
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offers the unique experience of realizing you are already running late for something that doesn't start for 4 hours.
Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 25, 2022
My son vowed to be on time & organized this school year & I was like, Wow! This kid is nothing like me! & then 3 days later hes getting in the car 5 minutes late, wearing only one shoe, & Im like, There I am!
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son vowed to be on time & organized this school year & I was like, Wow! This kid is nothing like me! & then 3 days later hes getting in the car 5 minutes late, wearing only one shoe, & Im like, There I am!
Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 23, 2021
Kids thrive on routine which is why they make every morning a struggle to get them up and out the door.
Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 20, 2021","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Rodney Lacroix","author_url":"https://twitter.com/RodLacroix","cache_age":86400,"description":"Kids thrive on routine which is why they make every morning a struggle to get them up and out the door. 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thrive on routine which is why they make every morning a struggle to get them up and out the door.
Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 20, 2021
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before.
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number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before.
Mommeh Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) November 6, 2023
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My kids are late to their first day of school because I dont want to give their teachers the wrong impression of us by being on time
Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) August 28, 2023","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Real Life Mommy","author_url":"https://twitter.com/reallifemommy3","cache_age":86400,"description":"My kids are late to their first day of school because I dont want to give their teachers the wrong impression of us by being on time Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) August 28, 2023\n\n\n","options":{"_maxwidth":{"label":"Adjust width","placeholder":"220-550, in px","value":""},"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"Real Life Mommy on Twitter / 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kids are late to their first day of school because I dont want to give their teachers the wrong impression of us by being on time
Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) August 28, 2023
Mom on mom group: my 4-year-old refuses to put her shoes on
Mom 1: hmm she sounds autistic
Mom 2: thats developmentally normal mama! Just never leave the house until she does it, shell learn!
Mom 3: you need to hire an Autonomy Therapist, this will only get worse
Mom on mom group: my 4-year-old refuses to put her shoes on
Cartoons Hate Her! (@CartoonsHateHer) July 1, 2024
Mom 1: hmm she sounds autistic
Mom 2: thats developmentally normal mama! Just never leave the house until she does it, shell learn!
Mom 3: you need to hire an Autonomy Therapist, this will only get worse
An hourglass timer, but its just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when were running late.
Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) March 15, 2022","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Daddy Go Fish","author_url":"https://twitter.com/daddygofish","cache_age":86400,"description":"An hourglass timer, but its just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when were running late. 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hourglass timer, but its just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when were running late.
Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) March 15, 2022
Me: Are you ready for school yet?
10-year-old: No. But I will be.
Me: When?
10: On time. Ish.
Me: Are you ready for school yet?
James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 18, 2022
10-year-old: No. But I will be.
Me: When?
10: On time. Ish.
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When youre running late, dont tell your kids youre running late cause they wont move any faster and theyll say fun things like, Im fine being late.
Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) July 7, 2022","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Snarky Mommy","author_url":"https://twitter.com/SnarkyMommy78","cache_age":86400,"description":"When youre running late, dont tell your kids youre running late cause they wont move any faster and theyll say fun things like, Im fine being late. 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youre running late, dont tell your kids youre running late cause they wont move any faster and theyll say fun things like, Im fine being late.
Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) July 7, 2022
11am: asks 3yo put on his own shoes before we leave the house.
11:15am three days later: shoes on we leave the house.
11am: asks 3yo put on his own shoes before we leave the house.
John Cena (@SohnCena) May 26, 2020
11:15am three days later: shoes on we leave the house.
Is getting kids ready for school and getting them all in the car on time considered exercise? I feel like it is. I already dropped them off and I'm still trying to get my heart rate down.
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getting kids ready for school and getting them all in the car on time considered exercise? I feel like it is. I already dropped them off and I'm still trying to get my heart rate down.
Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) September 16, 2022
Me: Mornings are so chaotic. Every day its like a mad dash to pack lunches, make breakfast, and get everyone dressed for school on time.
Co-worker: Why dont you just meal prep over the weekend?
Me: My kids are actually here during the weekend too, sorry for the confusion.
Me: Mornings are so chaotic. Every day its like a mad dash to pack lunches, make breakfast, and get everyone dressed for school on time.
The Dad (@thedad) September 22, 2023
Co-worker: Why dont you just meal prep over the weekend?
Me: My kids are actually here during the weekend too, sorry for the confusion.
Advertisement
Its all fun and games until youre running late, trying to leave the house and your kid insists its a perfect time to search for his Kinder Surprise toy that is about the size of a mouse turd.
Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) February 26, 2020","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets","author_url":"https://twitter.com/gfishandnuggets","cache_age":86400,"description":"Its all fun and games until youre running late, trying to leave the house and your kid insists its a perfect time to search for his Kinder Surprise toy that is about the size of a mouse turd. Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) February 26, 2020\n\n\n","options":{"_maxwidth":{"label":"Adjust width","placeholder":"220-550, in px","value":""},"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets on Twitter / 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all fun and games until youre running late, trying to leave the house and your kid insists its a perfect time to search for his Kinder Surprise toy that is about the size of a mouse turd.
Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) February 26, 2020
I dont ride a peloton but I have gotten three kids dressed and out the door to school on time, so same.
@itssherifield (@itssherifield) July 6, 2023","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"@itssherifield","author_url":"https://twitter.com/itssherifield","cache_age":86400,"description":"I dont ride a peloton but I have gotten three kids dressed and out the door to school on time, so same. @itssherifield (@itssherifield) July 6, 2023\n\n\n","options":{"_maxwidth":{"label":"Adjust width","placeholder":"220-550, in px","value":""},"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"@itssherifield on Twitter / 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dont ride a peloton but I have gotten three kids dressed and out the door to school on time, so same.
@itssherifield (@itssherifield) July 6, 2023
\"It's PI DAY and I'm supposed to bring a pie to class,\" my 8yo announces as we're headed out the door running late to school.
Just no.
"It's PI DAY and I'm supposed to bring a pie to class," my 8yo announces as we're headed out the door running late to school.
Lil Bit (@LizerReal) March 14, 2023
Just no.
People texting me that theyre running late brings me joy.
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texting me that theyre running late brings me joy.
krista pacion (@kristabellerina) November 6, 2023
Advertisement
Me- *running late
My toddler- at a full stop collecting all earthly possessions to bundle up and bring to the car
Me- *running late
Maryfairyboberry (@maryfairybobrry) October 28, 2021
My toddler- at a full stop collecting all earthly possessions to bundle up and bring to the car
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) April 28, 2022","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Vinod Chhaproo","author_url":"https://twitter.com/Chhapiness","cache_age":86400,"description":"Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) April 28, 2022\n\n\n","options":{"_maxwidth":{"label":"Adjust width","placeholder":"220-550, in px","value":""},"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"Vinod Chhaproo on Twitter / 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to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) April 28, 2022
Parenthood taught me that if you're running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn't matter.
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taught me that if you're running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn't matter.
Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) February 27, 2024
My 2.5yo is suspiciously unable to play by himself for even one second UNLESS its 2 mins until we have to leave the house and then, like magic, he can do dialog for two dump trucks having a conversation about and then dumping 500 tiny pieces of Playmobile all over the floor.
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Lucy Huber (@clhubes) February 7, 2023
Advertisement
Trying to leave the house with three kids is like trying to make your flight while running through the airport with a bunch of unchecked luggage.
The Mom at Law (@TheMomAtLaw) March 23, 2019","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"The Mom at Law","author_url":"https://twitter.com/TheMomAtLaw","cache_age":86400,"description":"Trying to leave the house with three kids is like trying to make your flight while running through the airport with a bunch of unchecked luggage. 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to leave the house with three kids is like trying to make your flight while running through the airport with a bunch of unchecked luggage.
The Mom at Law (@TheMomAtLaw) March 23, 2019
Episode #452 of Running Late:
2 stops to look at every ant on the way to the car. EVERY. ANT.
Episode #452 of Running Late:
Tired Dad of 2 (@Tired_Dad_of_2) June 7, 2019
2 stops to look at every ant on the way to the car. EVERY. ANT.
Mission impossible but its just me trying to drop my kid at nursery and get to work on time
Lottie-pop (@Lottie_Poppie) May 27, 2022","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Lottie-pop ","author_url":"https://twitter.com/Lottie_Poppie","cache_age":86400,"description":"Mission impossible but its just me trying to drop my kid at nursery and get to work on time Lottie-pop (@Lottie_Poppie) May 27, 2022\n\n\n","options":{"_maxwidth":{"label":"Adjust width","placeholder":"220-550, in px","value":""},"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"Lottie-pop on Twitter / 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impossible but its just me trying to drop my kid at nursery and get to work on time
Lottie-pop (@Lottie_Poppie) May 27, 2022
15 minutes before we were supposed to leave the house this morning I noticed that my kindergartner had a three page writing assignment that was due today.
Nothing screams high quality learning like a mom standing over her child yelling at her to write faster we have to GO
15 minutes before we were supposed to leave the house this morning I noticed that my kindergartner had a three page writing assignment that was due today.
That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) February 7, 2022
Nothing screams high quality learning like a mom standing over her child yelling at her to write faster we have to GO
Advertisement
When youre actually about to get the family out of the house on time but then your 6-year-old demands to tie his own shoes pic.twitter.com/n9XId0WoKS
The Dad (@thedad) February 22, 2023","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"The Dad","author_url":"https://twitter.com/thedad","cache_age":86400,"description":"When youre actually about to get the family out of the house on time but then your 6-year-old demands to tie his own shoes pic.twitter.com/n9XId0WoKS The Dad (@thedad) February 22, 2023\n\n\n","options":{"_hide_media":{"label":"Hide photos, videos, and cards","value":false},"_maxwidth":{"label":"Adjust width","placeholder":"220-550, in px","value":""},"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"The Dad on Twitter / 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youre actually about to get the family out of the house on time but then your 6-year-old demands to tie his own shoes pic.twitter.com/n9XId0WoKS
The Dad (@thedad) February 22, 2023
Why do toddlers insist on being independent only when you're running late?!
3 Wild Rainbows (@wildrainbow2) October 26, 2020","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"3 Wild Rainbows","author_url":"https://twitter.com/wildrainbow2","cache_age":86400,"description":"Why do toddlers insist on being independent only when you're running late?! 3 Wild Rainbows (@wildrainbow2) October 26, 2020\n\n\n","options":{"_maxwidth":{"label":"Adjust width","placeholder":"220-550, in px","value":""},"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"3 Wild Rainbows on Twitter / 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do toddlers insist on being independent only when you're running late?!
3 Wild Rainbows (@wildrainbow2) October 26, 2020
A haunted house but its me getting 3 kids in costume for their Halloween parade and in the car on time and then having to turn around and go back for the 3 projects due today we left at home.
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haunted house but its me getting 3 kids in costume for their Halloween parade and in the car on time and then having to turn around and go back for the 3 projects due today we left at home.
@itssherifield (@itssherifield) October 31, 2022
Getting somewhere on time as a parent is an extreme sport.
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somewhere on time as a parent is an extreme sport.
Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 30, 2023
Advertisement
If you enjoy unplanned scavenger hunts as youre about to leave the house then having children may be right for you
Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) May 9, 2020","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Average Dad","author_url":"https://twitter.com/Average_Dad1","cache_age":86400,"description":"If you enjoy unplanned scavenger hunts as youre about to leave the house then having children may be right for you Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) May 9, 2020\n\n\n","options":{"_maxwidth":{"label":"Adjust width","placeholder":"220-550, in px","value":""},"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"Average Dad on Twitter / 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you enjoy unplanned scavenger hunts as youre about to leave the house then having children may be right for you
Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) May 9, 2020
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday theyll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
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hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday theyll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) February 24, 2024
If your kid wakes you up two hours earlier than usual and you think at least Ill be early for work, or at least on time, youd be wrong.
Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) December 22, 2022","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Snarky Mommy","author_url":"https://twitter.com/SnarkyMommy78","cache_age":86400,"description":"If your kid wakes you up two hours earlier than usual and you think at least Ill be early for work, or at least on time, youd be wrong. 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your kid wakes you up two hours earlier than usual and you think at least Ill be early for work, or at least on time, youd be wrong.
Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) December 22, 2022
Here's a little song I wrote about trying to leave the house with the kids in the morning it's called \"OHMYGOD WHY AREN'T YOUR SHOES ON YET\" and a one and a two
Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) April 8, 2021","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"Rodney Lacroix","author_url":"https://twitter.com/RodLacroix","cache_age":86400,"description":"Here's a little song I wrote about trying to leave the house with the kids in the morning it's called \"OHMYGOD WHY AREN'T YOUR SHOES ON YET\" and a one and a two Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) April 8, 2021\n\n\n","options":{"_maxwidth":{"label":"Adjust width","placeholder":"220-550, in px","value":""},"_theme":{"value":"","values":{"dark":"Use dark theme"}}},"provider_name":"Twitter","title":"Rodney Lacroix on Twitter / 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a little song I wrote about trying to leave the house with the kids in the morning it's called "OHMYGOD WHY AREN'T YOUR SHOES ON YET" and a one and a two
Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) April 8, 2021
Advertisement
Dryers need a I Need This Gym Uniform Dry in 2 Minutes setting for all us parents running late in the morning.
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need a I Need This Gym Uniform Dry in 2 Minutes setting for all us parents running late in the morning.
Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 30, 2021
I think I missed the chapter in the parenting books where it said that I would one day have to patiently wait for a stuffed monkey to take a pretend pee while I was running late.
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think I missed the chapter in the parenting books where it said that I would one day have to patiently wait for a stuffed monkey to take a pretend pee while I was running late.
Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) August 27, 2020
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My daughter spent 20 minutes in the bathroom brushing her hair and applying face cream and mascara only to leave the house in sweatpants. Middle school is all about finding that perfect balance.
NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) November 9, 2023","type":"rich","meta":{"author":"NicholasG","author_url":"https://twitter.com/Dad_At_Law","cache_age":86400,"description":"My daughter spent 20 minutes in the bathroom brushing her hair and applying face cream and mascara only to leave the house in sweatpants. Middle school is all about finding that perfect balance. 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daughter spent 20 minutes in the bathroom brushing her hair and applying face cream and mascara only to leave the house in sweatpants. Middle school is all about finding that perfect balance.
NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) November 9, 2023
Every time I leave the house with my four kids for a trip, I understand more and more how the McCallisters were able to forget Kevin at home.
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time I leave the house with my four kids for a trip, I understand more and more how the McCallisters were able to forget Kevin at home.
James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 23, 2021
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*Parent Math*
Ok, the birthday party starts at 1 so we need to leave by 12:15 but we need to stop and get a gift so we really need to leave by 12 so we need to start getting everyone ready by 11. Wait, what about lunch, are they serving lunch? We are already running late.
*Parent Math*
Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 24, 2019
Ok, the birthday party starts at 1 so we need to leave by 12:15 but we need to stop and get a gift so we really need to leave by 12 so we need to start getting everyone ready by 11. Wait, what about lunch, are they serving lunch? We are already running late.
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