One cool thing about being female is you can go from fresh-faced prodigy to grizzled veteran in like 3 years

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It's Guy Fieri's birthday today. He gets to make a wish by blowing out all the flames on his shirt

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There are three certainties in life: death, taxes, and no matter what you cook in there your microwave smells like hotdogs.

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Nothing like eating a healthy salad for lunch so that I can be hungry and mad all day

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I'm starting to think any desire I have ever had to be or get pregnant came from early obsessive viewings of Father of The Bride 2

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FUN PRANK: continue to have hope in our elected officials

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ME: I'm laying off carbs this month.

* 5 mins later *

ME: Pack a bottle of water because we're about to drive 45 minutes to the nearest Red Lobster because I saw a pic of the San Francisco Bay on IG and now all I can think about is getting a cheddar bay biscuit in my mouth.

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My new thing is finding birds that look like they are twice divorced pic.twitter.com/IYKmIplUFv

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*sits bolt upright in bed in the middle of the night*

Why isn't there grape La Croix??

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working on my present day Sopranos fan fiction in which Adriana dumps Christopher because she makes more money than him by promoting flat tummy tea to her 300k Instagram followers

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Bought a treadmill that hooks into Google Map streetview so that I can virtually run around my neighborhood...

My evolution to total introvert is complete.

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did yall know having a water cooler in your house is only like $25/month? i'm bout to be hydrated as fuck.

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Ive never seen This Is Us but based on how hard it makes you guys cry I assume its just the scene in Homeward Bound where Shadow comes home played over and over.

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Made lasagna so I won't have to cook again for about 3 weeks.

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Im sorry we have a Best Picture category and THIS HAS NEVER MADE IT? pic.twitter.com/WDfzex1Suu

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I forgot deodorant today and used the ole hand sanitizer in the armpits trick and I don't smell terrible! I mean I smell faintly of a vodka aunt but that's my aesthetic anyway!

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*drinks iced coffee*
*pees 6 times every hour for the next 10 hours*

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Don't forget to turn your Doomsday Clocks forward & your history books backward

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me: \"who cares about birthdays lol I'm grown now it's just another day\"
also me: *has told every single human I've come in contact with for weeks that my birthday is on friday*

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Bodega cats seems fun until you realize why theyre there

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